Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

One Liners

Old 05-12-2022, 12:03 PM
  #26  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Exclamation

Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-13-2022, 12:19 PM
  #27  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Default

How can you make a cow invisible? Camooflage
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-14-2022, 12:19 PM
  #28  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Question

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-15-2022, 12:46 PM
  #29  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Default

A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-16-2022, 01:18 PM
  #30  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Default

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-17-2022, 12:29 PM
  #31  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Exclamation

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-18-2022, 12:19 PM
  #32  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Red face

I posted a really good time travel joke next week.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-18-2022, 12:23 PM
  #33  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Thumbs up

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-19-2022, 12:08 PM
  #34  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Question

If sound cannot travel in a vacuum, why are vacuums so noisy?
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-20-2022, 01:10 PM
  #35  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Exclamation

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-21-2022, 11:59 AM
  #36  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
info

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-22-2022, 12:09 PM
  #37  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Arrow

In college, I plan to study food science, specializing in carbonated beverages. My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-23-2022, 11:56 AM
  #38  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Thumbs up

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-25-2022, 12:22 PM
  #39  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Arrow

If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-26-2022, 12:03 PM
  #40  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Exclamation

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-28-2022, 11:37 AM
  #41  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Post

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

* An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

* Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

* A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

* Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

* A question mark walks into a bar?

* A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

* Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

* A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

* A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

* Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

* A synonym strolls into a tavern.

* At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

* A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

* Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

* A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

* An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

* The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

* A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

* The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

* A dyslexic walks into a bra.

* A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

* A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

* A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

* A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-29-2022, 01:08 PM
  #42  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Unhappy

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-30-2022, 12:28 PM
  #43  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
info

I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory. He said it has pluses and minuses...
Don Sims is offline  
Old 06-04-2022, 12:20 PM
  #44  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
info

What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 06-08-2022, 11:04 AM
  #45  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Unhappy

Me to my therapist: I feel like I'm invisible to people..Therapist: Who said that?
Don Sims is offline  
Old 06-09-2022, 12:52 PM
  #46  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Default

I was going to buy an invisible sword.. But I don't see the point.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 06-09-2022, 12:53 PM
  #47  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Default

Blunt pencils are really pointless.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 06-10-2022, 12:00 PM
  #48  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Cool

My wife is blaming me for messing up her birthday. She is so absurd. I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 06-18-2022, 11:33 AM
  #49  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Arrow

Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 06-24-2022, 11:41 AM
  #50  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,664
Thumbs down

Gas prices are getting ridiculous, I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
Don Sims is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.

Page generated in 0.12639 seconds with 11 queries