Don Sims

While shopping in a food store, two spinsters happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second spinster answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first spinster replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the spinster said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”

Don Sims

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend.
One day while they were at it she hears her husband pull into the driveway.
Her boyfriend says, "Oh no! What should we do?!"
She says ,"Hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!"
Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him.
He says ,"What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you're real, because he's stupid!"
Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her, "What's that?"
She says, "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one."
He shrugs it off and goes about his business.
That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room, still posed, too afraid to escape.
He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich.
He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says, "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."

Don Sims

Two cowboys are lost in the desert, they haven’t eaten in days, and are close to death.

Suddenly one see a tree covered in bacon.

‘We’re saved’ he cries, ‘a bacon tree!’ and he runs towards it. He is shot to death.

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Don Sims

Two guys were playing frisbee when....

the frisbee slipped from the other guy's hands and landed afar near two women.

The guy goes towards the women....stops abruptly... comes back and says "I can't go there because one of them is my wife and the other is my current girlfriend. Why don't you get it?"

The other one goes to some distance....comes back... and says

"Sorry...small world."

Don Sims

A couple who had been married for many, many years were sitting in bed one day. The husband finally asked: "I never asked, out of respect for your privacy, but what is in that chest you keep at the end of the bed?"

His wife says "Well, I guess after all this time it does not matter. Go ahead and look". The husband opens the chest and finds 2 ears of corn and 20,000 dollars.

"What is this?" he asks

She answers: "Well, whenever I was unfaithful, I put an ear of corn in that box"

He says " I guess twice in all these years is not too bad. What about the 20,000?"

She answers: "Every time I got a bushel, I sold it."

(at least it involves math)