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Australian Tourist Information....

Old 09-03-2008, 01:47 PM
  #1  
yank51
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Default Australian Tourist Information....

Australian Tourist Information





These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the
answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
have a sense of humour.



Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV,

how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines
) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of
them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that

big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo
racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________


Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and

we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...oh forget it.

Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight
after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________



Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________



Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________



Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes

are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Some are quite tastey...

__________________________________________________



Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum

trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell
me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________



Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________



Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I
was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________



Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first...................

__________________
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Old 09-03-2008, 11:53 PM
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crxmanpat
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I don't know. It's a toss up between the fountain of youth question and the female/male ratio in Tasmania question. Let's just say I need to get a napkin and wipe up the mess of Coke on my keyboard and screen!
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Old 09-04-2008, 12:01 AM
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Manta1
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yup he was a smoker back in the day.....
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Old 09-04-2008, 06:25 AM
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Larry3215
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LOL!!!!

Those are outstanding!
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Old 09-17-2008, 05:29 AM
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Not too much different in Canada. We have people showing up at the border in July with skis and poles on their cars, surprised to see people living in houses rather than igloos......
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Old 10-01-2008, 01:59 AM
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shotgunsmitty
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Oh yeah...and working in Skagway, we get a coupla hundred thousand tourists a year (our season just ended Saturday).

Some questions:

What time does the 8:30 train leave?

(At the counter where there are two windows with a HUGE sign above that spells T - I - C - K - E - T - S ): Is this where we buy tickets?

Q: How much are tickets?
A: 103 dollars.
Q: So you take American dollars?
A: Yes, being a member of the United States allows us to accept United States currency.
Q: How much for seniors?
A: 103 dollars.
Q: How can I get half off?
A: We can cut you in half...but we have to charge for both halves.

Q: How can you tell if it's raining?
A: Most likely a lot of people will be walking around with umbrellas.

Q: What elevation is it here?
A: It depends on the tide. And since your cruise ship is still towering a hundred feet above you...

How far will the water level on the side of the ship come up during high tide?

I swear these are true. We have a section in our paper called Heard on the Wind where a lot of these go.
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Old 10-01-2008, 02:18 AM
  #7  
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Amazing....

Some problems with it too: they vote, and they breed, and my question is how do they make enough money for a ticket with an IQ that low???
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Old 10-02-2008, 12:14 AM
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I'd have to say that most of them are government employees. Where else can you make that much money with so little effort! LOL
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Old 10-02-2008, 12:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Naldr View Post
I'd have to say that most of them are government employees. Where else can you make that much money with so little effort! LOL
That's not true in all cases...
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Old 10-02-2008, 12:23 AM
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gfdengine204
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Originally Posted by Naldr View Post
I'd have to say that most of them are government employees. Where else can you make that much money with so little effort! LOL
As a Government Employee, I am curious what jobs you refer to where "we" make "much money with so little effort"........

We get all SORTS of stupid questions at work......it is amazing.....

My favorite goes like this:

"Illinois State Police, what is your emergency?"
to which I am asked
"Is this the McHenry County Sheriff's Office?"

Now I am curious......what part of Illinois State Police means McHenry County Sheriff?

- or -

When folks call during a winter storm to ask me (in a room with no windows) what the roads are like. When I ask if they have cable tv, and they say yes, they become offended when I ask if they have turned on the Weather Channel......or listened to the local radio station to get a road and traffic report.......now, granted, one call would be no big deal....but take that call, multiply it by about 125 per hour, and do that for 8 hours......it's SUCH a treat.
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Old 10-02-2008, 03:32 AM
  #11  
Naldr
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My apoliges to the small number af federal employees that actually work! I am a 30 year veteran of federal service and I have seen the majority of federal service. I do not disrespect the employees that do a day to day service to our country and our service men. Please excuse my ignorance.
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Old 10-02-2008, 03:36 AM
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Since I am not a federal employee, does that mean you disrespect me?



For that, you have to get in line.
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Old 10-02-2008, 05:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Naldr View Post
My apoliges to the small number af federal employees that actually work! I am a 30 year veteran of federal service and I have seen the majority of federal service. I do not disrespect the employees that do a day to day service to our country and our service men. Please excuse my ignorance.
I probably shouldn't write after having a few beers but what the heck. 20 year government employee. I do one of the hardest jobs in the government, fixing vehicles that should have been retired 14 years ago. I have to account for every minute I work on these vehicles. I used to work pretty hard. Not killing myself but pretty hard none the less. Until I hurt My finger installing a tire on a vehicle. I ripped a tendon on my ring finger. No biggie. No pain. My finger just would not straighten up. I lost about 2 hours of work going to hospital (that the supervisor sent me to) had it checked out. Couple x-rays. Sent back to work no restrictions. A week later I was written up for unsafe work practice. They wouldn't tell me how I was unsafe. So I sat down and figured out how many lbs of tires I installed in 18 years. It come out to 541.44tons of tires. I worked up a spread sheet and gave it to my union rep. The union had my unsafe work practice thrown out. But working hard went out the door with it. Thanks management. You guys are the greatest. And you wonder why the majority of federal employees have an attitude. Dude look around. You wouldn't be management by chance would you?

Oh one other thing. We are not aloud to park our Harley's in front of the shop because it looks like a biker bar. All two of them. Great guys to work for. Feel the Love..........

I knew I shouldn't write after a few beers. The weight was wrong not 202 million tons it was only 541.44 tons. My Bad.

Last edited by airmail wf; 10-02-2008 at 03:19 PM.
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