One Liners
08-31-2022, 12:57 PM
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At first I was confused when my boss told me to go get the Geiger counter...…but then it clicked.
09-02-2022, 01:00 PM
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I stopped in at a tiny local doughnut shop the other day. Amazing selection, and it's only a hole in the wall place.
I started cutting 1.5 acres of lawn with an 18" push mower this morning. It's mid afternoon, and I'm still reeling.
What's a cycling musician's least favourite note on the scale? A -flat.
What do you pay the police force working the 6pm to 6 am shift? Copper Nitrate.
09-03-2022, 01:35 PM
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If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
09-05-2022, 01:11 PM
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I always keep a joke in my pocket. My dad always has, and his father had before him. It's in my genes.
09-06-2022, 01:50 PM
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What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
09-07-2022, 02:17 PM
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What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
09-25-2022, 02:09 PM
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I thought I was buying shares in a peanut farm. But it was just a shell company.
09-29-2022, 12:08 PM
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Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect? They're the brightest one.
09-30-2022, 02:34 PM
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What do you do when you see 2 snails fighting? Nothing....Let them slug it out.
10-03-2022, 01:01 PM
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A skeleton walked into a bar and said, "Bartender, give me a beer, ... and a mop."
10-04-2022, 01:38 PM
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Last night I was going to cook some alligator for dinner. Then I realized I only had a croc pot.
10-07-2022, 01:06 PM
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A coworker came over to my cubicle and asked if we have a ruler in the office. Me: No, but we have a boss.
10-08-2022, 02:48 PM
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Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle, and one snail turns to the other and says, "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"
10-09-2022, 01:34 PM
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What kind of dog does a chemist have? A lab.
10-10-2022, 01:22 PM
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It was time to feed the dog, so I asked my wife, "Have you seen the dog bowl?" She said. "No, but I've seen him catch a Frisbee."
10-11-2022, 01:39 PM
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I guess y'all heard about the Egyptian pharaoh whose side job has just come to light? He was raising hogs... yep, ol' Pork Cheops...
10-15-2022, 01:15 PM
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Made a Hawaiian pizza for dinner and burnt it to a crisp...... Should have cooked it at aloha temperature...
10-16-2022, 01:01 PM
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What happens when you don't pay your exorcism bill? You get repossessed.
10-17-2022, 01:17 PM
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People always call me a walking dictionary I thought they meant I was smart with a good vocabulary, but apparently I’m just thick.
10-18-2022, 01:14 PM
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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
10-19-2022, 01:29 PM
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Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert, If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see
10-21-2022, 01:24 PM
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Today I learned alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that......they *will* see you later!
10-30-2022, 01:02 PM
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Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes
10-31-2022, 12:43 PM
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Give a man an inch, and right away he thinks he's a ruler.
11-01-2022, 12:57 PM
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A dung beetle walks into a bar. "Is this stool taken?"
