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Old 05-12-2022, 12:03 PM
  #26  
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Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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Old 05-13-2022, 12:19 PM
  #27  
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How can you make a cow invisible? Camooflage
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Old 05-14-2022, 12:19 PM
  #28  
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A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
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Old 05-15-2022, 12:46 PM
  #29  
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A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
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Old 05-16-2022, 01:18 PM
  #30  
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People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
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Old 05-17-2022, 12:29 PM
  #31  
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Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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Old 05-18-2022, 12:19 PM
  #32  
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I posted a really good time travel joke next week.
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Old 05-18-2022, 12:23 PM
  #33  
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
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Old 05-19-2022, 12:08 PM
  #34  
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If sound cannot travel in a vacuum, why are vacuums so noisy?
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Old 05-20-2022, 01:10 PM
  #35  
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.
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Old 05-21-2022, 11:59 AM
  #36  
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
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Old 05-22-2022, 12:09 PM
  #37  
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In college, I plan to study food science, specializing in carbonated beverages. My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.
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Old 05-23-2022, 11:56 AM
  #38  
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Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
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Old 05-25-2022, 12:22 PM
  #39  
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If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Old 05-26-2022, 12:03 PM
  #40  
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
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Old 05-28-2022, 11:37 AM
  #41  
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* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

* An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

* Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

* A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

* Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

* A question mark walks into a bar?

* A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

* Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

* A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

* A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

* Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

* A synonym strolls into a tavern.

* At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

* A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

* Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

* A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

* An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

* The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

* A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

* The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

* A dyslexic walks into a bra.

* A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

* A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

* A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

* A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
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Old 05-29-2022, 01:08 PM
  #42  
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Unhappy

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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Old 05-30-2022, 12:28 PM
  #43  
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I asked a friend if he likes his job at the battery factory. He said it has pluses and minuses...
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Old 06-04-2022, 12:20 PM
  #44  
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What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.
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Old 06-08-2022, 11:04 AM
  #45  
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Me to my therapist: I feel like I'm invisible to people..Therapist: Who said that?
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Old 06-09-2022, 12:52 PM
  #46  
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I was going to buy an invisible sword.. But I don't see the point.
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Old 06-09-2022, 12:53 PM
  #47  
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Blunt pencils are really pointless.
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Old 06-10-2022, 12:00 PM
  #48  
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My wife is blaming me for messing up her birthday. She is so absurd. I didn't even know it was her birthday!
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Old 06-18-2022, 11:33 AM
  #49  
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Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
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Old 06-24-2022, 11:41 AM
  #50  
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Gas prices are getting ridiculous, I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
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