Don Sims

A man calls over a waiter during his meal: 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!'

'Look on the bright side Sir', replied the waiter, 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'

Don Sims

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her what her password was.

She poked around in her notebook, and said "required".

It was the wrong password, so I told her, and she looked up at me and said, 'I know that it is right. I remember it said, "Your password is required."'

Don Sims

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:

"Get your sword forged for cheap"

Don Sims

Simon met up with Tim for coffee

Simon Said: "Wasn‘t yesterday‘s power cut a nightmare! I was stuck in an elevator for 4 hours!“

"Oh, you had it easy,“ said Tim. "I was left standing on an escalator for 5 hours!“

Don Sims

A Lumberjack went for a job

The interviewer said, "Tell me about your previous employment."

He said, "I cut down all the trees in the Sahara."

"But the Sahara is a desert."

"Yeah, it is now."

Don Sims

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he finished reading on the way home.

The man stormed into the house, walked up to his wife, and pointing a finger in her face, said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? "

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Abuelo

I nce tripped and fell on an up escalator and fell down the stairs for 10 minutes.