Humor Have some funny jokes or stories? All is fair game except political, religious or too explicit.

Science question

Old 04-09-2022, 12:05 PM
  #151  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

The name is Bond. Ionic Bond!
I prefer my electrons taken, not shared!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-11-2022, 12:44 PM
  #152  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

A young scientist came up with a great science joke but his fellow scientists didn't take it seriously enough to laugh at.
They told him it hadn't been peer reviewed.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-13-2022, 11:31 AM
  #153  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Lightbulb

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.

Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.

This was not seen in larger species,

It was determined, you see, that they lack toes in taller ants.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-14-2022, 10:27 AM
  #154  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
info

I was trimming my nails when my Grandfather said with a sigh, "You should not cut your nails on Thursdays".

I had never adhered to these superstition but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"

He explained, "You see, the weekend starts tomorrow - Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And it's difficult to open the beer cans and the Lays packs without your nails."

Moral: Some superstitions do have a scientific basis!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-19-2022, 12:09 PM
  #155  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Red face

Suppose Elon Musk's company establishes a colony on Mars and you had a girlfriend there but later were to break up with her.
She'd be your Space X!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-19-2022, 12:11 PM
  #156  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

It is a proven scientific fact that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm just really hot.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-19-2022, 12:13 PM
  #157  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human across a narrow bridge without guard rails, even looking back occasionally to make sure they were both away from the edges. Next, the dog and person team successfully transit a mock intersection, complete with lights and cross-walks. Finally, the dog leads his charge through a maze of obstacles, never letting his person come close to bumping into anything or falling over.

The reporter is very impressed and says as much to the owner, who beams with pride. By this time, the dog and handler have made their way back to the start of the course, and the reporter is surprised to see a trainer come out and secure a blindfold over the dog's eyes. The dog and person start off a second time, but this time the dog totally misses the narrow bridge and both of them fall into the shallow ditch below.

The owner turns to the reporter quickly and exclaims, "Okay, so we're still having some trouble getting through the double-blind trials."
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-20-2022, 12:45 PM
  #158  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Thumbs down

Why did the scientist refuse to have a doorbell in his house?

Because he wanted to win a no-bell prize!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-20-2022, 12:47 PM
  #159  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-22-2022, 11:33 AM
  #160  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Lightbulb

I was reading a book on anti gravity.
I found it difficult to put down.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 04-24-2022, 01:06 PM
  #161  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Post

I’m a time traveler and I came here to tell you a joke from the future.
But it’s just too far ahead of its time.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-02-2022, 12:28 PM
  #162  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Lightbulb

A physicist, an economist, and a mathematician decide to TP a house.

The physicist does some calculations and says, “We should buy 2-ply toilet paper in order to maximize kinetic energy.”

The economist thinks for a moment and replies, “But single-ply toilet paper would maximize the amount of TP per dollar.”

The mathematician decides to multi-ply.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-02-2022, 12:29 PM
  #163  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

My biology teacher asked me to make a diagram of bacteria.

When she questioned why I submitted a blank piece of paper, I told her, "It appears blank because a bacteria is invisible to the naked eye."
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-02-2022, 12:52 PM
  #164  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s.

One of Walter's regular customers is Joe, a theoretical physicist at a nearby lab who was working on a secretive time travel project. Their idea was that instead of bringing people from the modern day back in time, they could bring notable figures from the past into the present day through effectively making a copy of them - therefore not creating any time paradoxes or stuff like that. After years of work, they managed to finally get a working prototype going.

Their first test was bringing Albert Einstein into the present day, as they thought he'd be interested in their invention. After they achieved this, they explained how it works. Einstein was absolutely astonished at their work, and congratulated them profusely. After this, the team, plus Einstein, went out for a drink at Walter's, as they thought the bar wouldn't overwhelm their guest too much with new technology. They all had the best night of their lives - Einstein got incredibly drunk and nearly forgot he'd been brought to the future until he stepped outside again.

The next day, after saying their farewells to Einstein, they struggled to figure out who to bring back next. Joe had been reading a book about the history of communications in America, and the idea of bringing back Samuel Morse came to mind. The others agreed that he would be an interesting person to talk to, and so they set about bringing him to the present. After they went through the same explanation as they did with Einstein, they decided to try and re-create the experience they gave him.

The team walked down to Walter's again, Samuel Morse in tow. However, this time, there was a problem. When they entered the bar, Morse was disgusted, and explained that he was a committed teetotaler who had not drunk a drop of alcohol in his life. No matter how they insisted, he simply refused to even try a drink. Running out of ideas, the rest of the team brought Morse back to the lab. Joe stayed behind to apologize to his friend about the angry reaction they got from Samuel Morse.

"I just don't see what his problem was. Einstein had a great time here, but Morse just wasn't having it at all."

Walter poured himself a drink, and took a long sip before replying to Joe:

"You know what they say; you can take Morse to Walter's, but you can't make him drink."
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-06-2022, 12:34 PM
  #165  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Post

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.

The Great Gazoo kept stealing people’s underpants.

Mrs. Thunder constantly complained about everything, from the food to the movies.

And everyone complained about Mrs. Thunder’s thundering keeping them up at night.

Even Dr Grimbone, the most calm of the villains, was starting to get testy.

Sitting down with Grimbone one day during lunch, the Warden found himself complaining aloud. “There’s just not enough room! Everyone is in everyone else’s elbow space.”

“What you need,” The Dr said, “Is a project. Give us some tools, have us work together. That’ll make everyone a lot happier.”

“No, no,” the Warden grumbled. “I can’t go giving you lot any leeway. Someone will escape, and then it’ll be my hide on the line.”

Instead, he decided to try some icebreaker activities. But those didn’t go well.

Forrest Thorn kept poking his neighbor.

Jack Trickster kept making fun of The Big Cheese.

And The Big Cheese kept crying throughout.

Not a single activity was finished. So, the Warden decided to try exercising them so hard that they couldn’t squabble.

This didn’t work either. In fact, it made things worse.

Brawn and Elephant Man kept throwing the weights at each other.

Speedy Gone-Bombas took over the racing track.

And by the end of the first day, not a single piece of expensive exercise equipment was left operable.

One day, while the Warden was sitting in his office and thinking, disaster struck.

The lights went out. The power shut down. And, listening closely, he could tell the powerful heaters that kept the prison from freezing over had stopped working.

With no power, he couldn’t call for help. None of the emergency generators were turning on. If nothing was done, they would all freeze in just a few hours.

So he went to Dr Grimbone.

“Alright,” grumbled the Warden. “You wanted a project, this is a project. Can you villains fix this? Can you keep us alive until rescue comes?”

Grimbone smiled, and nodded. So the Warden let him out of his cell.

Immediately, the Dr went and gathered up all the other villains. “Alright, everyone! We have a problem here! A real puzzler! With only the equipment we have here, we have to make a way to power this whole building! We’re going to need everyone’s help with this!”

And they got to work.

The geniuses designed the plans.

The beefy villains held things together.

The speedsters ran to get all the tools.

The tanks held the dangerous wires.

And within just a few short hours, everyone had turned one of the jail cells into a bright, energetic generator. Electricity flashed, lights blazed, and buzzers sounded. It worked! The heat blazed to life, fending off the creeping chill.

And not a single fight had broken out. Happily, all the villains gathered to celebrate their achievement.

The Warden stopped by to shake Dr Grimbone’s hand. “I have to admit, you were right.”

Dr Grimbone smiled brightly. “All we needed was a problem to work on, together! Something truly puzzling and urgent, to bring us together in this time of strife. Unfortunately,” he apologized, “This whole jail cell is being taken up on the generator now. You’ll have to find a different place to house Bunglehop.”

“Well, you know what they say!” The warden chuckled. “A mighty quandary makes a powerhouse of the cell!”
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-06-2022, 12:35 PM
  #166  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

Judge: "So, Mr. Robot. Your neighbor accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plead?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged."
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-09-2022, 12:08 PM
  #167  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Lightbulb

Why are musicians so good with electricity?

They are always near conductors!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-12-2022, 11:53 AM
  #168  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
info

A couple had their first argument after their marriage - the husband, a pediatrician arguing that the chicken came first and the wife, an OBG taking a stand that it was the egg that came first.

They went to their neighbor, an old wise professor, to prove the other wrong.

The professor being the lazy retired man he is, said,

"It does not matter anyway as they are a new paradox talking about an age old paradox."
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-13-2022, 12:20 PM
  #169  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
info

How is life like an electricity?

You start from null, you have few phases, and then comes the grounding.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-15-2022, 12:52 PM
  #170  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Question

How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum?

It takes a paradox.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-16-2022, 01:10 PM
  #171  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Default

Before invention of electricity

Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-16-2022, 04:30 PM
  #172  
Abuelo
Member
 
Abuelo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Arizona desert
Posts: 380
Default

If Thomas Edison had not developed the light bulb, we would have to watch television by candlelight.
Abuelo is online now  
Old 05-17-2022, 12:32 PM
  #173  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Question

Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon?

They only come in quartz!
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-18-2022, 12:25 PM
  #174  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Unhappy

I opened both my water and my electricity bills at once.

Needless to say, I was shocked.
Don Sims is offline  
Old 05-19-2022, 12:10 PM
  #175  
Don Sims
Administrator
Thread Starter
 
Don Sims's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Middle Tennessee
Posts: 15,650
Red face

Have you heard of the upcoming movie where a time traveler gets transformed into a chicken?

It's called Bawk to the Future.
Don Sims is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.

Page generated in 0.12124 seconds with 12 queries