Don Sims

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<br>

"Great! Are you married? Our models tend to get uncomfortable when they have pictures taken by married men."

"No, I'm single."

"Nice! Are you able to control yourself around women?"

"I am more than able!"

"Wonderful! Do you have a passport? We sometimes do shoots in exotic locations."

"I do have a passport!"

"I'm delighted to say that you are qualified for the job! How quickly can you get to Vancouver?"

"Vancouver?! I thought you were based in Miami!"

"We are. Vancouver is where the line for the interview starts."

Don Sims

A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store.

At court he explains to the Judge that it was a case of a simple misunderstanding.

Judge: I don't see how this can be a misunderstanding. You were arrested for drinking straight out of the wine bottle at the register!

Man: I can explain that. I was exhausted that day after working 11 hours at the warehouse. I was zoning out and in hindsight, I should have known what the cashier meant when she said I could "start loading up now"...

Don Sims

Two blondes are standing at a bus stop.

One asks the other:

"Which bus are you taking?"

"Number 1. And you?"

"Two."

The bus with the number 12 is coming. One of them says to the other:

"Look, we're going together!"

Don Sims

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long.

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.

The mother said, There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out.

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there's no gum purchased.

The mother patiently said, Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica, he began.
The mother replied, I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy.

Don Sims

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by.

What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill.

Who?

Bill Smith.

There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time.

Nah. the man said to the cabby. There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Not Bill,said the cabby. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.

Bill was really something, huh?

Oh, yeah,continued the cabby. Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.

No wonder you remember him, the man said.

Well, I never actually met Bill, said the cabby. Then how in the world do you know so much about him?

I married his widow,replied the cabby.

Don Sims

I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone.

It was then that my worst fears were realized, that I was trapped on a dessert Island.

Don Sims

Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Ajax Company.

In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Sven said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road...

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.

I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

"By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Sven's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.

"Sven said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Ajax truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly.

I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

"Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?'"

"Now wot vud you say?

Don Sims

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish.

I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

Don Sims

As a vintner was moving a cask of sparkling wine, he rolled his foot and injured his ankle.
The pain was severe, so he decided to visit his orthopedist. The doctor examined his foot and ankle, took x-rays, and ran MRI scans.

"Sir, I can't find anything wrong with you. You can move your foot and ankle normally, and there's nothing showing up on x-rays or MRI."

"So you're telling me I wasn't actually injured when moving the sparkling wine?"

"That's right, sir. It's sham pain."

Don Sims

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had.

Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

Don Sims

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.

Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

Then young Juan knew his destiny.

Time passed and Juan slowly learned the art of magic. First pleasing friends and family with simple sleight of hand, before going on to grow older and begin entertaining patrons of the local bars with illusions and escapology.

By the time he was 20 he had toured through all of Mexico. From Aguascalientes to Zacatecas and all places inbetween. His fame in the country of his home soon brought a talent scout from America seeking him out.

Before he knew it, Juan the magnificent was on a whirlwind tour of the US, Europe and beyond treading the very same boards that his inspiration Harry Houdini once stood upon.

This went on for some time, until Juan reached the mid point of his life, when he soon saw dwindling numbers in his audience. The cheers were not so loud and his fame had begun to fade.

Juan needed a new trick.

The next great trick.

It would be his greatest achievement. His crowning glory. His final act. The one they would speak about for generations to come.

As Juan passed his 63rd birthday, the stage was set. The final performance of the legendary Juan the Magnificent. One night only.

The theatre was sold out. People in every seat. People stood in the aisles and sat upon the floors eager to see this last performance.

The lights dimmed and the orchestra began to play. The curtains opened slowly revealing Juan the Magnificent. He stood in the middle of the stage, dressed in the finest black silk three piece suit, his top hat upon his head.

The stage lights came up, and with a dramatic flourish Juan the Magnificent swept his hat off his head and stood, arms outstretched as the crowd roared with delight.

Juan the Magnificent stood and basked in the warmth their cheers gave him. As the cheers softened and eventually quitened, Juan the Magnificent took a grateful bow.

Juan the Magnificent, straightened. Placed his hat back upon his head and cried out

"UNO! DOS!"

And he vanished without a tres.

Don Sims

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

Don Sims

During my check-up ! asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "Oh, I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke..."

Don Sims

"How many Facebook group members does it take to change a spark plug?
1 to change the spark plug and to post that spark plug has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing spark plugs and how the spark plug could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing spark plugs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing spark plugs.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "spark plug" is an electrical device threaded into the cylinder of an internal-combustion engine to ignite the fuel mixture by producing timed sparks between electrodes.
6 to ask what is the correct gap setting.
2 to ask what is a 'feeler gauge'
2 to post that this group is not about spark plugs and to please take this discussion to a spark plug group.
27 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use spark plugs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.
16 to debate which method of changing spark plugs is superior, where to buy the best spark plugs, what brand of spark plugs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
2 to post URL's where one can see examples of different spark plugs.
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the spark plug controversy.
4 to suggest that posters request the spark plugs FAQ.
1 to post a video of how spark plugs are manufactured.
16 to post wtf.
4 to ask what is a wtf?
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
3 to say "do a Google search on spark plugs before posting questions about spark plugs".
14 to post photos of spark plugs they own.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...."

Don Sims

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a nasty old woman with a cane moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady ambled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

"Go get your Mother."

Don Sims

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Don Sims

On one cold icy day a blonde, brunette and a red head decide to take a drive.

The brunette as the best driver in icy conditions decides to drive. The red head decides to ride passenger because she keeps the best eye out. The blonde decides to ride in the bed of the truck because she’s dressed for the weather.

As they’re coming over a bridge they decide to roll their windows down and look at the water that has yet to ice completely over. Suddenly in a moment of distraction the brunette loses control and they drive off the bridge.

After a minute the brunette pops up out of the water and climbs up onto the bridge to look for her friends. As she’s climbing up the red head pops up out of the water and climbs to the top of the bridge. Thankfully since they rolled their windows down they escaped easily and were able to swim up.

They both wait patiently for what seems like way too long for someone to be able to breathe underwater and assume the worst of their blonde friend.

Finally, the blonde pops up gasping for breath. When she gets atop the bridge to join her friends they ask her what took so long.

The blonde says, “Well, I couldn’t get the tailgate open.”

Don Sims

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

Don Sims

A truck driver stopped at a roadside restaurant. The waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a piece of pie. As the truck driver was about to start eating , three men in leather jackets pulled up on motorcycles and came inside. One grabbed the man's hamburger, the second one drank his coffee and the other one took his pie.

The truck driver didn't say a word. He got up, put on his jacket, paid the cashier and left. One of the bikers said to the cashier, "Not much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver either," she replied. "He just ran his truck over three motorcycles."

Don Sims

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

Don Sims

After couple beers, a man at a bar is chatting with the bartender.

"So, how many kegs of beer do you go through in a week?", he asks.

"About twenty," says the bartender.

"I've got a tip that could bring that up to twenty five, if you're interested."

"Absolutely!", says the bartender.

The man looks the bartender in the eyes and says, "Try filling the glasses up to the line."

Don Sims

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

Don Sims

A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint.
In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off.
He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face.
She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face.
She said that she did and he shot and killed her too.
He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place.
The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.
The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”

Don Sims

A truck delivering penguins to the Zoo broke down a few miles from its destination.

The driver flagged an empty truck down. He said, "Hey Buddy can you help me out? I need to get these penguins to the zoo in the next hour and the repair truck will be here in about the same time. Could you help me out and take them to the Zoo?"

The other driver said sure load them in my truck.

The loaded truck takes off for the zoo.

About two hours later the broken truck is repaired and he sees the truck coming back still loaded with the penguins.

The driver flags the truck down and says to the driver, "I thought you were going to take them to the zoo for me!"

The other driver said, "I did we had such a good time now we’re going to the movies!"

Don Sims

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...
... and the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?"
She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."