Don Sims

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeeper's attitude, the blonde declares, "FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!"

The shopkeeper replies, "Why don't you just try young lady," with a smirk.

So the blonde heads out to the swamp absolutely determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day the shopkeeper drives by and noticed the Young lady waist deep in water with a shotgun in her hands.

He stops and watches as a very large alligator swims right at her. With lighting fast reflexes she throws the gun up and shoots the alligator killing it instantly.

He keeps watching as she drags the alligator to a pile of 6 or 7 more. As he rolls down the window to ask why she needs so many Gators for one pair of boots she rolls it over and shouts.

"AAAUUUGGGGHHHH THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

Don Sims

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?

A punchline.

Don Sims

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man, "Do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "No this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back".

"Baloney!!" the officer replies.

So the man places the turtle in the water and says, "Watch this."

The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting.

Ten minutes goes past and the officer says, "Well where's the turtle?

The man replies - "What turtle?"

Don Sims

A bigshot business man had to spend couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over to get his temperature taken.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Don Sims

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little guy's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

Don Sims

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.

And he saw that it was good.

The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

Don Sims

Passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assured them that the pilots would be there soon.

Finally, two men dressed in pilot uniforms walked up the aisle. Both wore dark glasses, one was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin but the men entered the cockpit, closed the door, and started up the engines.

The passengers glanced nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming. The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As the people saw the water approaching, panicked screams filled the cabin, but at that moment the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly, and soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands.

In the cockpit, the pilot turned to the co-pilot and said, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die!”

Don Sims

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."

Don Sims

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown plants."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answer given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...

With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

Don Sims

I'm going to write series of books on machine shop equipment:

Everything you can do with a drill press, and more, in "Beyond Boring"

Technical details about drills for different materials in "The Boring Bit"

Beginner's lathe operation, in "Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow"

Advanced lathe setup, in "True Lies"

Don Sims

A woman pays a visit to her hairdresser:

Hairdresser; "We haven't seen you for the longest time. Special occasion ? "

Customer; "Yes, I'm taking a vacation"

Hairdresser; "Oooo! Where are you going?"

Customer; "Going to Rome for a week"

Hairdresser; "I went last year. It was awful. Worst trip ever. Who are you flying with?"

Customer; "Alitalia"

Hairdresser; "So did I. Terrible flight. The cabin staff were rude, ugly and unhelpful. Where are you staying/"

Customer; "Hotel Roma"

Hairdresser; " Me too. Hated it. The food was bad, rooms dirty and beds uncomfortable. What are you going to visit?"

Customer; "The museums galleries, The Vatican and the Coliseum"

Hairdresser; "Me too. Unimpressed with all of them, especially The Vatican. We were promised an audience with the Pope but he was too busy to see us. Very disappointing"

Her hair done the customer leaves to take the trip.

Some months later the customer bumps into her hairdresser on the street.

Hairdresser; "How was your trip?"

Customer; "Wonderful. The flight was smooth, the cabin staff were great. Probably the best flight ever. Hotel was perfect. Clean rooms, comfortable beds and gourmet meals. The museums and Coliseum were fascinating AND I got to speak with the Pope!"

Hairdresser; "Wow! What did he say/"

Customer; "Who messed up your hair?".....

CHELLIE

A Man not Feeling Well, Walks into his Doctors Office, The Doctor asked Him What are Your Symptoms, the Man Said, Well Doc, Symptoms I am OK and Symptoms I am Not

Don Sims

An elderly husband and wife are sitting watching television when the husband starts to head out to the kitchen. Wife says...honey would you get me some ice cream? She says write it down because otherwise, you know you'll forget. He says, I can remember to get you ice cream and starts to head out again. Wife says, I'd like chocolate syrup on it also, so write it down, otherwise you'll forget it.
Husband again says he can remember.....ice cream with chocolate syrup. As he heads out again, wife says,,,,I'd also like whipped cream on top, so write it down, lest you forget. He replies again that he can remember....ice cream, chocolate syrup and whipped cream.
As he heads out again, wife says, don't forget the cherry on top....write it down or you'll forget. Husband goes through the menu again...ice cream, chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry one top. I don't need to write it down.....I'll remember. So he heads out to the kitchen.

About twenty minutes later he returns with a plate of bacon and eggs and the wife says, honey, where's the toast?

Don Sims

One day in October, Humpty Dumpty went to the clothes store...

He picks out a nice sweater, a couple pair of socks, a coat, etc. He pays for them and leaves.

He heads out and goes to get groceries, and buys milk, eggs, tuna fish, matches, and a single pumpkin.

On his way home now, he sees a stray cat in the cold. Feeling charitable, he offers it some tuna fish, and decides to take it home.

Now home, he takes a match and lights his fireplace, gets a blanket, and wraps the cat with it. It falls asleep.

He then takes the pumpkin and begins carving it out to be a Jack o’ lantern. He takes a picture and sends it to a friend, who gives it a 10/10.

Now tired, he wraps himself in a blanket, lies in a chair next to the fireplace, with the cat sitting cozy in his lap.

He thinks to himself before he drifts asleep...

“Humpty Dumpty has had a great fall!”

Don Sims

My wife sent me a text saying, “Your the best!”

To which I replied, “No, you’re the best!”

She’s been on cloud 9 ever since, feeling so loved and in love.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that I was just correcting her grammar.

Don Sims

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phone call, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.
Driving stinks nowadays...

Don Sims

A turtle walks into a bar. He sits down and gets ready to order.
The bartender goes, "You're looking a little GREEN there friend, need some Ginger Ale?"
Everyone started laughing.
The turtle confused replied with, "No thanks, I'll just take some whiskey."
The bartender gets him his drink and says, "Something on your mind friend? Want to talk about it instead of hiding in your shell?
Everyone started laughing again.
The turtle even more confused replies with, "I kinda need to hide in my shell to hide from predators, haven't you seen animal planet?"
The bartender, not passing up the opportunity, immediately responds with, "Woah friend, no need to SNAP like that."
This time everyone is dying of laughter.
The turtle, fed up with everyone's nonsense exclaims "IM CLEARLY A RED EARED SLIDER, NOT A SNAPPING TURTLE!" and begins making his way to the door.
After a few minutes he gets about halfway there stops and starts laughing.
The turtle says, "OOOHHH! I just realized you were making turtle puns."
It was quite obvious to everyone in the bar, that turtles really are slow.

Don Sims

A couple of nights ago my wife and I decided to go to a local pub and have a couple of drinks and listen to music. On the way home I looked in the rear view mirror to see blue lights flashing.
I pulled over and a police officer walked up to the drivers side window and asked "Sir, did you know that you left your wife back at the bar?"
I said "Thank God, I thought that I had gone deaf!"

Don Sims

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know what comes first.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
What kind of cheese isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.
What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
Stairs.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
What did the cake say to the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It is either one or the udder!
How do you make a water bed bouncier?
Add spring water.

Don Sims

It was the end of the school year, and a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florists son handed her a wrapped gift. She gently shook it, held it overhead and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "Thats right!", the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess" she replied.

The daughter of a baker presented her a gift next. Lifting it a few times, she said "I think it's a box of cake". "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess" said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the owner of the local liquor store. The teacher held the package overhead, but noticed it was leaking a clear liquid. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No", the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No", the boy replied again, with even more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied - "Surprise! It's a puppy!"

Don Sims

The family was keen to find a name for our little sailboat, inspired by joyful times in warm California Summer weather. Citrus fruits sprung to mind, and a few brand names.

But I don't think a boat should be named "Sunkist"

Don Sims

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response.

One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"r>

Kid: "She ain't home."

Teacher (frustrated): "Well can I speak to your father?"

Kid: "He ain't home."

Teacher (more frustrated): "Young man, where's your grammar?"

Kid: "She's in the kitchen bakin' cookies"

Don Sims

Just got back from the doctor, he said I should drink more wine.

Well he actually said “less beer”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Don Sims

A bull and a pheasant...

...were grazing in the field one day. The pheasant looked up at the tree very nostalgically and said, "Alas, there was a time when I could fly to the topmost branch of the tree."

The bull very nonchalantly said, "Just eat a little bit of my dung every day, and you will get to the topmost branch of the tree within a fortnight."

The pheasant said, "Come on now; what kind of rubbish is that?"

The bull replied, "Really. Try it and see. The whole of humanity is on it."

So the pheasant started pecking at the dung a little bit every day. Within a fortnight he did get to the topmost branch of the tree. He went and sat on the topmost branch of the tree, just beginning to enjoy the scenery. The old farmer saw the fat pheasant on top of the tree, pulled out his shotgun and shot the pheasant out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Many times bullcrap can get you to the top.....but it never lets you stay there.

Don Sims

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random.

As a man answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin... "

"Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter, "That man was not a bit happy with our call."

"He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him."

"Now watch this... "

The father dialed the same number again.

"Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply.

"You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here!"

"You've got a lot of nerve calling again!"

The receiver was then slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger."

"Now I'll show you what exasperation means... "

He dialed the same number again, and a violent voice roared, "HELLO!"

The father then calmly said...

"Hello, this is Melvin... "

"have there been any calls for me?"