Don Sims

There is a lawyer in a $3000 suit.

He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is a obviously very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.

The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he finally decides to call the maintenance guy. The maintenance guy arrives shortly after, and in three moves he fixes the sink.

He says, "It's going to be $90."

The lawyer's face turns red, he is furious, $90 for less than 5 minutes of work?!?

Of course being the important man he is, he has to pay; still in his $3000, suit he hands over the money to the maintenance man.

The lawyer cannot stop himself and out of curiosity and anger says, "It's absurd! Not even I, one of the top lawyers of the town, can make $90 for less than 5 minutes of work!"

To which the maintenance man replies, "Honestly, neither did I when I was a lawyer."

Don Sims

A scientist named Berade cloned himself 76 times. Because of a mutation, the clones were all much more muscular than the real Berade.

One day one of the clones said to his 75 fellow clones, "I'm tired of that weakling bossing us around! He's treating us like servants just because he created us!"

So the clones all picked up Berade and threw him into a pigpen. When Berade landed, a hornet's nest was dislodged, and the hornets stung Berade to death.

The next day the front page news article read, "Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Berade, with a hundred and ten hornets close at hand..."

Don Sims

The guy asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia.

She whispered, "They're right behind you..."

Don Sims

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

Don Sims

A man is out driving in the countryside where he suddenly comes across a big herd of sheep. He stops his car and get out waiting for the sheep to pass over the road

.At the end of the herd he spots the shepherd. He goes over to the shepherd and starts a conversation.

-"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, can I get a sheep as payment?"

The shepherd thinks for a while and says "sure".

So the man goes over to his car, brings up his laptop, connects to the internet through his smartphone internet sharing, connects to a passing satellite above, takes a picture of the area, runs the picture through his recognition software and plots the result in Excel.

-"You have exactly 174 sheep!" he proudly exclaims.

-"That is correct" replies the shepherd.

So the man proceeds to take one sheep and put it in the back of his car.

The shepherd thinks for a while and says

-"If I can tell you what profession you have, can I get my sheep back?"

The man looks puzzled but says "sure, go for it"

-"You're a management consultant."

-"How did you know that?!" questions the man.

-"Well, first, you come here even though I didn't ask for it. Secondly, you use a overly advanced technology to tell me things I already know. Third, you charge an absurd amount for it. Fourth, can I have my dog back?"

Don Sims

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass.

He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

Don Sims

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Don Sims

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.

They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the AP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said,

"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Don Sims

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football (soccer) club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even attack the other players. They might not fall over as much but they would be carded and sent off within minutes of the game starting.

The warden then issues the manager a bet. If his best prisoners can beat the manager’s team without a single foul then he had to employ them once they were released. The manager agrees, knowing this would be impossible.

The match is arranged, the pitch booked and the prisoners are given day leave to attend.

The game begins and it is astounding. The prisoners play perfectly. They use their size and stature to create walls of defense completely blocking the other team. Once they had the ball they charged forward as an unstoppable force scoring goal after goal.

At the end of the game it was 5-0 to the prisoners without a single foul. The manager accepted he had lost the bet.

It took a few years for the prisoners to finish their sentences but one by one they were all hired by the manager as promised and put into the team with the other players.

The new team composition was very unorthodox but it certainly had its pros and cons.

Don Sims

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.

"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.

"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."

Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"

"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'"!

Don Sims

The kid next door found an old box of cassette tapes the other day and wanted to borrow my cassette deck to find out if they were any good. He came back and said most of them were in good shape and some of the music was pretty good, but one tape was just terrible, really boring.

He said the name of the band was Head Cleaner.

Don Sims

A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price among them for their father. After arguing about it for days, they would finally see who was worth the most.

The eldest was first, and was the most beautiful of the three. Her prospective groom came forward and presented her father with a gorgeous she-cow, sleek and fat, the pride of the valley's herds.

The second daughter was not so comely, but handsome in her own right, and when her suitor came forward, he offered the father a likely looking young goat, strong and lively, a fine prize for any household.

The third daughter stepped forward. Her future husband took one look at her and then presented a single scrawny chicken, the saddest, sorriest thing anyone had ever seen, with most of its feathers gone, walked with a limp, and only had one eye.

The third daughter was furious. But before she could say anything, her father took out a huge hunting knife, leapt forward without a word and started hacking away at the pathetic bird mercilessly.

"That's right!" the third daughter hooted. "You will pay for this grievous insult to my honor!"

"Shut up!" her father shouted. "I'm trying to give the man his change!"

Don Sims

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.

The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones.

He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks.

One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap!

The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material.

He interrupts them to say, "Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best."

The man with the sledge stops and says, "Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold."

"Well, I'll be!" cried the archaeologist. "And what's that fellow up to?" pointing to the man on his knees.

"Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see..."

And here the man paused...

"So you see...my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist."

Don Sims

Punctuation Matters!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said:

"Duck, Eggs"

I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."

Don Sims

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "Why the big clause?"

Don Sims

In the months leading up to their expedition, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin trained in a remote moon like area in the Western United States. The area was home to several Native American tribes.

One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. The man asked them what they were doing there. They replied that they were part of a research expedition that would shortly travel to explore the moon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent for a few minutes, and then asked the astronauts if they could do him a favor.

"What do you want?" they asked.

"Well," said the old man, "the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the moon. I was wondering if you could pass on a message to them from my people."

"What's the message?" asked the astronauts.

The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly.

"What does it mean?" asked the astronauts.

"Oh I cannot tell you. It is a secret that only our tribe and moon spirits are allowed to know."

When they returned to their base, the astronauts searched and searched until they found someone who could speak the tribal language, and asked him to translate the message. When they repeated what they had memorized, the translator started to laugh uproariously. When he calmed down, the astronauts asked him what it meant.

The man explained that the sentence they had memorized so carefully meant, "Don't believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands."

Don Sims

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife.

"I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as the number ten," he tells the bartender.

"That's when I knew, she was the one."

Don Sims

Two Canadians die and end up in Hades. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hades' boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hades froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

Don Sims

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survivors finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?”

One man says, ”I want to go back to my family before the zombie apocalypse and want it to never happen!”

The second man says, “That sounds great I wish for that too!”

And puff the two men were gone.

The front door of the museum just broke in with the weight of all the zombies pushing on it. Now the museum is filling up fast with zombies.

The genie asks the last man what he wishes for.

He thinks about it quickly and says, "I wish my two friends were back here to help fight off all these zombies!”

Don Sims

Elmer Fudd walks into a bar on Halloween night, all wet and dripping head to toe:
BARTENDER: "Hey, Elmer, what happened to you?"
ELMER: "Well, I qwickly wan outside hoping to see a big fwightening Halloween full moon, but it was waning."

Don Sims

When I was young, one Halloween I told my parents, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."

Exasperated, my mother said, "Don't be Sicily!"

Don Sims

Little Johnny decided to prepare ahead of the next day's lesson on fractions, so he approached his father. His partly sober dad took his time to help Johnny using all the illustrations he could lay his hand upon.

The next day, after noticing how bright and happily Johnny appeared, the teacher tried to direct some questions to him.

Teacher: "What's 1/8 + 1/8?"

Johnny: "A quarter."

Teacher: "That's Correct."

The class erupted into an atmosphere of loud cheers.

Teacher: "And what is 1/4 + 1/4? "

Johnny: "Half"

The class cheered and applauded once again.

Teacher: "Lastly, can you tell me what 1/2 + 1/2 is?"

Johnny: "That's a full pint."

Don Sims

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please..' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00,but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'

Don Sims

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone.

"I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?"

"Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"

Don Sims

Billy got a parrot for his birthday

This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Billy tried very hard to change the bird's manners, but nothing worked.

Billy was getting really frustrated. He yelled at it and shook it.

The bird just got even angrier and yelled fowl language even more.

Finally Billy had had enough. In desperation, he shoved it in the freezer and closed the door.

For a few moments he heard squawking, kicking, and screaming, and then suddenly everything was quiet. He opened the door, afraid that he'd killed his parrot.

The parrot stepped out quietly and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior."

Billy was amazed by the great change in the parrot and was about to ask what had caused it when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"