Don Sims

A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.

"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons. All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender said, "What about your hook?"

The pirate took another long swig. "Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing me own hand off."

The bartender was growing skeptical.

"And how did you get that eyepatch?"

The pirate took another swig. "Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As I looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."

The bartender said "That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck."

The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced.

" 'Twas me first day with the hook."

Abuelo

Don't forget the brothers, Pete and Repeat.

Or the girls, Grace and Disgrace.

Don Sims

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

Don Sims

An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Don Sims

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing $3000 bet.

The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.

Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.

Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit.

He walked in, and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.

But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....six drops fell into the glass.

As the barman paid the $3000 bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,

a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little man quietly replied: "I work for the IRS, as a Revenue Agent"

Don Sims

Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang east on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "Forget it, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

Don Sims

Many years ago there lived a very poor fisherman

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin. Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he'd hide his treasure in the kingdom's Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he find that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food. Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdom's Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.

On his long run towards his hiding place, he pa ses the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony. The king spots him and tells his guards, "this man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose."

The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.

"No one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home," states the king.

The fisherman replies, "Thank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me."

The king then offers two coins but gets the same response. Perplexed at this man's determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.

Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, "I will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!"

The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees. The king, finally satisfied, leaves.

At the fisherman's coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, "It is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?"

The fisherman replies, "The northern half."

Don Sims

A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Byron got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

Don Sims

A man goes for a walk in the park.

On his walk, he sees two men sat on a park bench and looking very down.

“What’s wrong?” He asked them.

One of the men looks up at the man and lets out a long sigh: “Take a seat and I’ll tell you.”

Curious, he sits down next to the two men.

“The paint’s wet,” the man says.

Don Sims

(Purportedly a joke that Abraham Lincoln told)

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a portrait of President Washington, and had it hung in the privy (bathroom).

While they were negotiating something, the American Ambassador excused himself. His colleagues snickered and waited, but when the ambassadors emerged he didn’t appear upset.

They left the portrait where it was, but were perplexed by the American‘s indifference. They even began to wonder if he might be a loyalist sympathizer. Finally, one day when he returned from nature’s call, they asked him:

“What do you think of the art in the privy?”

“I can think of no more appropriate place for that portrait.”

The English are shocked, and the Ambassador continues,

“Nothing would scare the crap out of a British man as well as General George Washington.”

Don Sims

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks."

The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.

The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.

Don Sims

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other. We've always hated each other" The woman nods in agreement.

The lawyer is a little perplexed. He asks "Then why have you waited until now to get a divorce?"

The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "We read where divorce can be very hard on the children, so we waited until they died."

Don Sims

There was once a woman called Patricia Whack

She worked in a bank and generally dealt with secured loans. One day she calls for her next appointment when a frog hops into the room and sits on the chair opposite her. Confused, she asks "Can I help you?"

"Yes," says the frog "Kermit Jagger, I'm here for a loan, uh 100k please"

Patty is taken aback, she hadn't really expected the frog to respond.

"Well, for something like that we'd need some serious collateral to secure against, what, did you have in mind?"

The frog produces a small, exquisite, porcelain pig and pushes it towards her. "This should cover it."

Patty picks up the pig and turns it over slowly in her hand completely perplexed. The frog pipes up "Look I know this is a bit strange but it's all fine my dad's Mick Jagger, he's friends with the bank manager. Check if you like."

Patty goes to her manager and tells them the situation showing him the porcelain pig. "I don't know what to do," she says to her manager, gesturing to the pig she adds "I mean, what even is this?"

The manager looks carefully at the pig then turns to Patricia and says

"It's a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone"

Don Sims

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.

The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't

see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Don Sims

A psychiatrist is evaluating three new mental patients. He turns to the first one and asks, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The mental patient thinks and thinks. He racks his brain. Finally, after several minutes, he answers, "128!"

The psychiatrist turns to the second mental patient and asks, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The second mental patients immediately blurts out "Wednesday!"

Turning to the third mental patient, the psychiatrist again asks, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The third mental patient thinks, then asks, "Can I have a pencil and paper?"

"Of course" says the psychiatrist.

The third mental patient takes the pencil and paper and begins diagramming complex algorithms, charts, and graphs all over the paper. After a few minutes, he confidently answers, "3 times 3 is 9."

"That's great," says the psychiatrist. "How did you do it?"

"Oh, it was really easy," says the mental patient. "I just divided 128 by Wednesday."

Don Sims

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

Don Sims

Three guys go hunting.

The first guy, from Georgia, walks off from the hunting camp and returns an hour later with a deer.

The other two hunters ask him how he did it.

"Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer."

The second guy, from Alabama, walks off and returns with a bear.

The other two guys ask him how he did it.

"Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the bear."

The third guy, from San Francisco, walks off and returns all beaten up and battered.

The other two guys ask him what happened.

"Found the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by a train."

Don Sims

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOO OOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and disease! Brutish, incorrect lengths had been forced together, buckling the wood and bulging the steel at points, as if death, itself, were attempting to escape. It was festooned with beast-like emblems and decrepid artifacts: skulls, antlers, skins, totems, and drenched in the color of blood!

It was TRUE! The house really was haunted!

"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUO"

Now the boys realized with sheer horror that the insane moaning was definitely coming from the coffin!

Before the boys could turn and run, the coffin began to shake! They froze.

Then it suddenly LIFTED off the ground! They gaped in terror!

Shaking violently and rising, the coffin started to turn. It turned and turned, and gained speed. It was spinning in the air before them! A mix of terror and fascination gripped them. Unable to look away. Unable to run. It spun faster and faster AND FASTER!

"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUOOOOOOOo o"

The first boy with the knife slashed in the air in front of him, as if to stab away at the evil! Then he dropped the knife and ran back up the stairs, never to be seen again.

The second boy with the gun fired warning shots at the ceiling BANG! BANG!, but then thought better of it, dropped his gun and also ran up the stairs, and also was never to be seen again.

The third boy stood there calmly, reached into his pocket and popped a cough drop into his mouth. He sucked on it for a bit.

And the coffin stopped.

Don Sims

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, "I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes."

People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar.

Some time passes and the Irishman comes back in the pub and approaches the American.

"Is yer bet still on the table?"

The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender get this man his drinks."

The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 10 minutes.

Astonished the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier?"

The Irishman replies with a smirk, "I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."

Don Sims

A golfer walkes into the bar at the country club and in a very hoarse voice asks for a beer. The bartender asks "what's wrong with your voice? You didn't sound like that earlier."
The golfer says "well, I was down on the 12th hole where there's this dog leg off to the right, and I sliced my ball to the left and it bounced into the woods out there. So, I go poking around in the woods looking for my ball, when I noticed that there's a cow pasture across a fence.
Anyway, thinking that my ball may have gone out there, I climbed the fence. That's when I noticed one of the cows swishing it's tail, and I saw a white spot in its rear end. So I go over and lift the cow's tail and see that there's a golf ball stuck up there.
Well, I know that it's not mine because it's a Titleist and I'm playing Bridgestones. Then I noticed a lady out in the woods and she's looking for her lost golf ball. So I lift the cow's tail and call out 'Hey lady, does this look like yours?'"
"She hit me in the throat with a nine iron."

Don Sims

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

Don Sims

Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town?

He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.

Don Sims

Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."

The man says, "I know that I'm not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat....but does the giant chicken know that?"

Don Sims

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"

Now the man is taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date."

Don Sims

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."