Don Sims

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Don Sims

A new guy got a job in a big corporation.

One day, he took up the phone and accidentally called the CEO's office.

"*Bring me coffee!*"

"**Do you know who you're talking to?"** he heard a voice reply.

"*No*", replied the new guy.

"**I'm the CEO of this whole company, you moron!**"

"*And do \*you\* know who you're talking to*?"

"**No**", replied the CEO.

"*Good!*" and he ended the call.

Don Sims

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

Don Sims

Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by hardened criminals and other violent types, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a place to sit.

An older man, who looked to be in his 60’s, motioned the CEO over and invited him to sit, to which he obliges. The older man says “my name is Walt. Son, I can see how nervous you are, but try and relax. Daily life on the inside isn’t nearly as scary as you’ve seen in the movies. There’ll be some bad days, but for the most part, it’s relatively peaceful.” Robert thanks him and takes a deep breath and starts eating his lunch.

About 5 minutes pass by and another prisoner stands up and yells “23!” The entire chow hall breaks out into laughter. Robert looks around, slightly startled. A few minutes later another prisoner stands up and yells “16!” Again, laughter breaks out. Another 5 minutes pass and someone stands up and yells “144!” The prison is almost hysterical with laughter, even the guards are starting to laugh.

Understandably, this confuses Robert so he asks Walt “what’s going on? Why is everyone laughing over numbers?” Walt replies “you see, most of us are here for life. At this point, we’ve heard every joke in the book a million times. So, to save time, we have decided to number every joke. When someone stands up and yells a number, we know which joke they’re referring to, and it makes us laugh.”

Robert sees this as his opportunity to fit in, so he says “you know what? I’m going to give it a shot.” So Robert stand up and confidently yells “74!” The whole place is silent. Robert is taken aback, but he tries again “35!” Again there’s silence. Everyone is just staring at Robert. He uncomfortably clears his throat and tries one more time “154?” Still nothing.

Defeated, Robert sits back down. Robert looks at Walt and says “I don’t understand what happened.”

Walt replies, “Sorry man, some people just can’t tell a joke.”

Don Sims

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Don Sims

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”

Don Sims

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it. Honestly, your sentences will just sound wrong. Everyone will notice you're doing something different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll use weird words. It's not worth the effort involved in spending time online looking up tons of synonyms which don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted prose. You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.

Don Sims

Two older couples are hanging out together.

While the ladies are talking in the kitchen, Jim said, "Bill, we ate at a really good restaurant the other night. The food was good, the prices were reasonable, and the service was excellent."

Bill replied, "Oh yeah? What's the name of the place, I've been looking for a new restaurant."

Clearly looking puzzled for a few seconds, Jim finally replied, "My memory is just so bad. What's the name of that flower with the red petals and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?" said Bill.

"Yeah that's it!" Jim then turned towards the kitchen and yelled to his wife, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we ate at the other night?"

Don Sims

So there are these two rich old men who live next to each other...

At the on the border of their land is a pool that conjoins the two luxurious estates. In this pool each man has a pet dolphin. Every day, the two old men stand at the edge of the pool, and argue about who's dolphin is the smartest. This has gone in for years.

Then one day the first neighbor says "Let's settle thus once and for all!"

So the two men begin to devise a test to determine which dolphin is the smartest. They spare no expense. There are obstacle courses, memory tests, decoding puzzles, hoops to jump through; the whole nine yards.

As the day of the test comes closer, the first neighbor starts to get nervous. He thinks to himself, "What if my dolphin loses...I would be humiliated." So he decides to drug his neighbor's dolphin.

The day of the test arrives and of course the first neighbor wins with flying colors. He gloats his victory for months...but after a while he begins to feel guilty...

So he tells his neighbor "Hey neighbor, I have to come clean. I cheated in the dolphin test. I drugged your dolphin. We don't really know who's dolphin is the smartest."

His neighbor looks at him and says, "You know, that really defeated the porpoise."

Don Sims

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads:

“Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each”

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ‘em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talking’ ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so’s they don't know we are from Alabama.”

They go in and Bubba says, with his best fake Georgia drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and…”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Alabama, ain’t ya?”

"Well…yeah,” says a surprised Bubba…."How come you knowed that?”

"Because this is a dry cleaners”

Don Sims

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes a taste of his own medicine.

Don Sims

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.

I asked him how he did it.

He said it was easy.

"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

Don Sims

"Make me one with everything," says the Zen master to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Zen master hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Zen master looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Don Sims

So this entrepreneur is setting up a bungee jumping tower in Mexico.

And of course all the construction and publicity has garnered a crowd. Well the entrepreneur, seeing an opportunity to wow the crowd, volunteers to be the first person to jump.

So he is strapped in and over the edge he goes, and the crowd goes wild!

But when his crew goes to retrieve him after his jump, he is all beaten and bloodied. They ask if he hit the ground or something.

He says "Well... we should probably shorten the rope a little more... also, what does 'piñata' mean?"

Don Sims

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?"

"I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains.

"The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

Don Sims

Two blondes were on a plane to New York.

About two hours into the flight, the pilot speaks over the intercom, "Attention ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have burst one of our engines. No need to panic; we still have three more. Our arrival time has been delayed by about an hour. We sincerely apologize for any inconveniences."

After another half hour, the pilot again goes on the intercom, "It looks like another engine just went out, folks. We still have two more, but our arrival time has been delayed by about 90 minutes."

"Oh gosh," one blonde remarked to the other, "if we lose those other two engines, we be up here all day!"

Don Sims

A man down on his luck went to an oracle and asked him to tell him the numbers that will change his life.

The oracle took his glass orb, searched the man's future and told him “The numbers I see in your future are 3419807.”

The man, happy with these numbers, goes to a convenience store and buys a lottery ticket with his last few dollars and uses the numbers 3419807.

The next day the lottery numbers are revealed and it’s completely different from what he chose. The man is enraged, goes to the oracle and mightily assaults him for scamming him.

He’s sent to prison for assault and battery. As he’s picking up his uniform, he notices the numbers "3419807" written on the lapel...

Don Sims

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

Don Sims

The Police are on the lookout for two men whom they allege stole the police station toilet...

They say there is very little evidence, and they have nothing to go on...

Don Sims

A man with a dog walks into a bar in New Jersey.

He says to the barman, "This dog can talk."

The bartender replies, "What? Get outta here."

The man with the dog then says, "It's true, I promise!"

The bartender decides to see if there is anything to this and says to the man, "Tell you what, if you can prove that the dog talks I'll give you free drinks for the rest of the evening."

"It's a deal!" says the man.

He then proceeds to ask the dog, "What is above your head?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

The bartender thinks the guy is trying to pull a trick on him, and is about to throw them out when the man asks for a second try. The bartender reluctantly agrees.

The man asks the dog, "Who is the greatest baseball player who ever lived?"

"Ruth!" says the dog.

The bartender is miffed because they tried to take him for a fool and immediately tosses them out.

They pick themselves up, and while dusting off a bit the dog says, "I probably shoulda said DiMaggio."

Don Sims

My husband was out of town for work and I was left to tend to myself...

He asked me not to call during working hours unless it was an emergency, but I wasn't sure what car trouble would be considered.

I took a chance and when he picked up he sounded very worried.

I told him it was the car, and that I believed there was water in the carburetor.

His tone changed and he couldn't believe I had called over something so ridiculous. "What is the car doing that makes you think that?"

"Nothing! It's just sitting there in the pool!"

Don Sims

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive you to Chicago. I'll take you to LaGuardia, you can get on a plane."

The man says, "No, I can't do that, I've got a debilitating fear of heights, I can't fly. Can you drive me to the Palmer House?"

The cabbie says, "No, you can get out, walk a few blocks west, get on a train at Penn Station."

The man says, "That won't work, either. I got a conference at the Palmer House I got to get to by tomorrow morning. I need a cab."

The cabbie says, "Look, do you know how expensive a cab ride from New York to Chicago's gonna be?"

The man opens his wallet, offers the cabbie ten $100 bills, and says, "I'll give you the rest when you get me there."

The cabbie considers it, takes the money, and begins the trip.

He drives out of Manhattan, west down 33rd St. until he merges onto the Lincoln Tunnel ramp, then through the Lincoln Tunnel and into New Jersey, then through New Jersey until he merges onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike, then through Pennsylvania until he merges onto the Ohio Turnpike, then through Ohio until he merges onto the Indiana Turnpike, then through Indiana until, finally, he merges onto the Chicago Skyway Bridge.

(He stopped for gas a couple of times.)

But from the Skyway in Chicago it's a short trip to the Palmer House: he exits the interstate at Stony Island Ave. and takes it north to 57th St., where he turns right to merge onto Jean Baptiste Point du Sable Lake Shore Dr. He drives north up to Roosevelt Rd., then cuts over to Michigan Ave., takes it up to Ida B. Wells Dr., and then cuts over to Wabash Ave. He starts to take a right so he can drive north up Wabash to the Palmer House, then stops, realizes Wabash is a southbound one-way street, curses, and continues straight onto Dearborn St.

He turns right on Dearborn and takes it up to Monroe St., then cuts over once more to Wabash Ave., takes a right onto Wabash and drives one block south until, finally, he arrives at the Palmer House Hilton Hotel in Chicago.

The man pays the cabbie the rest of the fare (about $1950, but the man rounds it up to $2.5 grand with tip), thanks him, and sprints into the hotel just in time for his conference.

And, wouldn't you know it, as soon as the man is out of the cab, a woman sees the New York cab design on the car, slides in, and says, "I need to get to an address on Flatbush Ave."

The cabbie says, "Sorry, lady, I don't go to Brooklyn."

Don Sims

Supposedly a ranger at Yosemite NP, when commenting on the difficulty of designing a perfect garbage bin to keep bears from breaking in to it, replied, "There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourist."

(A supposed-to-be real statement.)

Wildflyer

I have NO doubt about that.
about 1964 we were camping in Yellowstone Park, in the Old Faithful camping area.
Watched a bear step on a pedal for the small lid on the underground garbage cans, he would step on one and sniff, try the other ones until one smelled real good. He then calmly pulled the large lid open and hooked the handle of the garbage can with his claws, pulled it out, and then dumped it on the ground. I thought he might put the can back but no he didn't bother with that.

Our little camp trailer was only about 30 feet away.
It took some tourists a while to figure out how to open the cans.

Don Sims

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mother, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom".

It's the first student's time, and he answers the teacher:

- "My mom always tells me stories and gives me a kiss before I sleep, so I love her. There is only one mom!"

- "That seems like a nice mother" - says the teacher. She then points towards another student - "It's your turn now".

- "I had a cold last week and my mom took care of me. She gave me medicine and made me hot cocoa. There is only one mom, so I love her!"

The teacher smiles and then asks Little Jon to create his sentence:

"Well" - he started - "My mother was watching tv yesterday, and she wanted something to drink. She then asked me to grab three beers on the fridge. I went to the kitchen and opened it, but there was only one beer. So I said to her: there is only one, mom!"