Don Sims

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die...

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change, and she does.
___________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals..

Don Sims

I asked my personal trainer which machine I should use at the gym to impress the ladies..

She looked me up and down and then said, "The ATM."

Don Sims

The word Nothing is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells gnihtoN, which also means nothing.

Don Sims

The paradox of a job...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are under qualified to work here.'

Don Sims

What's the difference between diarrhea and a hopping marsupial that loves wordplay?

One's a runny poo and the other is a punny roo.

Don Sims

As a child I wanted to be a personal trainer but I ended up as a politician.

At least I still convince absolute idiots that change is being made.

Don Sims

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

He's really good, knows his stuff forwards and backwards.

Don Sims

Teacher: Give me an example of an amphibian.

Student: A frog.

Teacher: Any other examples?

Me: Another frog.

Don Sims

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he'll greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German.

- And what about, if I pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...

Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:

- I will fall down, you idiot!

Don Sims

Dude 1: Yo what's the time.

Dude 2: Dunno pass me that trombone and I'll find out.

Dude 2: (plays trombone loudly)

3 Neighbors Simultaneously: HEY WHO'S PLAYIN' THAT TROMBONE AT 2AM!?!?!?

Dude 1: Broooooo...

Don Sims

A guy finds a lamp, rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says, "I'll give you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

First, he wishes for a billion dollars. Voila, a billion dollars appears. In a distant place, his ex-wife has 2 billion dollars materialize.

Then, he wishes for ownership of a 100 square mile habitable island in the Caribbean. The deed appears in his hand. Simultaneously, his ex-wife is granted title to two islands.

He stops to think about his final wish, and is **** that his ex is benefiting from his luck since she made his life a living hell.

"So, whatever I get, she gets double?"

"Yep."

"Scare me half to death."

Don Sims

There was this rumor that a man always lit two cigarettes whenever he was smoking.

So one day a guy sees this man just when he is about to light up. He asks him, "Excuse me sir I couldn't help to notice that you are smoking two cigarettes simultaneously."

The man answers him, "Yes, one is for me and the other one is for my brother who is in prison."

The guy replies, "Sorry to hear that, hope he will be out soon."

Some time passes, and the same guy sees this man again, but only this time he is only smoking one cigarette. So he goes up to the man and says, "Only one? So I guess your brother is out of jail now, huh?"

And the man replied, "No, it's just that I quit smoking a week ago."

Don Sims

Did you hear about the author who writes using invisible ink?

Here's a list of his books:

Don Sims

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.

Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a special spray which would coat the car in a special finish to protect it from chickens.

The farmer sprayed the coating and placed the chicken on the hood. To his pleasure the chicken was unable to make a single scratch with it's beak.

The sales person asked the farmer to leave a review about how he found the product.

He wrote just one word: "Impeccable"

Don Sims

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So, I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently. And, conducting himself properly...

I know, it's shocking. But really, it's just a phase.

Don Sims

Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New York"

So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.

Don Sims

Intoxicated conversation at a bar...

Patron 1: What ticks you off?

Patron 2: Nouns.

Patron 1: Nouns?

Patron 2 Yep, nouns. People, places, and things!

Don Sims

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!"

Don Sims

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

Don Sims

There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companies are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink.

The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and sits at a table.

The Coors CEO says, "I'll have a Coors, Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water," and joins the other CEO.

The Heineken CEO says, "I'll have a Heineken, Lager Beer at its Best," and he, too, sits at the table.

The Guinness CEO says, "I'll have a glass of water, please," and joins the others.

The other three CEOs look at him, puzzled, and one of them inquires, "You're drinking water?"

"Yes," he replies. "If you three aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."

Don Sims

A woman just had twins, a boy and a girl, and she hasn't decided yet what to name them.

Coincidentally her long lost uncle has just come into town. The mother decides, because it's such a special occasion she should let her uncle name them.

After hearing the news, the uncle said, 'What a special honor it is,' and decides he needs some time to think of the perfect names.

Finally he comes back with the 'perfect names'. First he says, 'The girl will be called Denise.'

'Wow that's a great name' the new mother says, feeling at first a little apprehensive about what he might name them. 'What's the boy's name?'

'Obviously,' says the uncle, 'he will be called Denephew.'

Don Sims

I was doing some shopping at the supermarket and had a cart full of groceries and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Coincidentally, my wife walked in just as I was checking out.

She noticed the flowers I was buying and jokingly said, "Those had better be for me!"

The teenager at the register turned and said, "Even if they weren't, they definitely are now!"

Don Sims

My friend asked why I always talked quietly. I told them it was because I didn't want corporations spying on me.

They laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed...

Don Sims

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson.

She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.

At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.

Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”

The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma

“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”

Don Sims

An American walks into an Irish pub. He says to the patrons, "I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes."

People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar.

Some time passes and the Irishman comes back in the pub and approaches the American.

"Is yer bet still on the table?"

The American replies, "Sure it is! Bartender get this man his drinks."

The bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irishman starts drinking and drinks up all the Guinness in less than 10 minutes.

Astonished the American hands over the money and asks, "Well, may I ask where you went earlier?"

The Irishman replies with a smirk, "I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."