Don Sims

A Red Dwarf star, a Main Sequence star, and a neutron star are all hanging out and telling stories.

The Red Dwarf decides to share a joke. He says, "What’s a light-year?"

"It's the same as a regular year, but with less calories!" All three burst into laughter.

After a few minutes the neutron star confesses that he didn't get the joke. Both the Main Sequence star and the Red Dwarf turn to him with confused looks.

Finally the Red Dwarf says, "Dude, you are so dense!"

Don Sims

An optimist sees a glass half full.

A pessimist sees it half empty.

An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

Don Sims

Someone should make an electronics shop that sells resistors and call it:

The Ohm Depot

Don Sims

An electron is driving really fast when a cop pulls it over.

"Do you even know how fast you were going there?" asks the cop.

"Of course," replies the electron, "I knew exactly how fast I was going. But I thought this was the highway!"

"The highway?" The cop asks, shocked. "Do you even know where you are?"

The electron thinks for a moment and says, "No."

The Professor

A chemist and his friend walk into a bar.....

The chemist said "I will have an H20"
His friend said "I will have an H20 too"

The friend died 😁

Don Sims

A man decides to open his own Plant Nursery. After a few months his business starts going under so he goes to apply for a loan

The loan officer goes to the place of business and asks a couple questions.

"Sir do you have a background in the study of plants?"

"No, I just got this company on a whim. I wanted to own my own business and this seemed like the easiest route" replies the man.

"Well I'd like to take a look at your stock room to see how much you've invested in the company."

"Okay" the man says.

The loan officer goes to the stock room and sees it's completely barren with no plants.

"Well, here's your problem! How can you expect to sell plants when you've never Botany??"

Don Sims

Calculus walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a pint. The barman notices him scribbling some notes on a napkin and asks what he's writing.

Calculus replies, "Oh this... I'm just working on a new formula..."

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." says the barman, "I can't let you drink and derive".

Don Sims

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Don Sims

There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his success, popped the cork and poured a glass.

After drinking it half way, he stood staring at his work, just hoping for some glimpse of clarity. On finishing his glass, he found a typo in an equation, and cautiously corrected it. He poured another glass.

Halfway through the second, he noticed another transcription error and fixed it. Was this finally working? Finish the glass, pour another.

4 or 8 glasses later, and everything is working! Chalk flying, numbers matching, equations balancing, heart pounding! He was doing it! It all made sense! Visions of Nobel prizes and speeches floated through his mind as he put the final touches on his magnum opus.

He sauntered down the hall that night victorious, called an Uber and rode home as the new king of calculus.

The next day, he caught a bus to work, anxious to document his finest work. He arrived to find... chaos. Some of the numbers... not even numbers. For some reason he had circled a number and wrote “threeve?” There were smiley faces and rude drawings.

It was drivel. The mad scribbles of an intoxicated and desperate man. All hope of fame and fortune fell helplessly to the ground.

And that’s when he knew, it was true what they say:

Never drink and derive.

Don Sims

Darwin, Freud and the Pope walk into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.

They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.

Darwin recovers first. "This obviously is a product of evolution. The statue has evolved and now has the ability to speak. Pure science, nothing to fear."

Freud laughs. "No, no, this is clearly a combination of hysterical delusions, coupled with projection of childhood fears and unfulfilled wishes. I've treated cases like this."

The Pope cries out "Can't you see, this is Satan at work!"

He clutches his crucifix and says "Oh demonic messenger of Hell, I order you to reveal yourself. What in heaven's name are you???"

"I'm a ventriloquist." replies the bartender.

Don Sims

An engineering student, a geometry major, and a star basketball player are trapped on a desert island

They’re debating how to get off the island or get rescued. The engineering student looks around and sees only a few palm trees and some coconuts.

“We need to cut down the trees and make a raft to sail away on.” He says and starts designing.

“We need a basketball to pass the time.” The basketball player says and walks over to grab a coconut.

The geometry major’s eyes light up and he rushes over to help the basketball player set up a hoop.

“Why are you wasting your time helping him instead of me?” The engineering student sneers as he struggles to tie two logs together with palm fronds.

Instead of answering, the geometry major makes a line in the sand a good distance from the makeshift hoop and hands the basketball player a coconut. The basketball player lines up a shot and sinks it with ease.

With a smile, the geometry student turns to the engineering student.

“Because 3 points always make a plane.”

Then he flies away.

Don Sims

A mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer, and a software engineer were test driving a new automobile.

While going down a steep hill, the brakes started to fail. The car careened down the hill rapidly, screeching round the corners, narrowly missing cliff faces and sheer drops, and finally coming to a halt by steering up a grassy bank.

"Phew, that was close", said the electronics engineer. "I've got a tester in my pocket so I will check to see that it's not the ABS sensors sending false signals".

"Good idea!", said the mechanic. "I've got a Swiss army knife so I'll try bleeding the brakes a bit to see if there's any air in them".

"Hey, wait a minute", said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, I think we should try going back up the hill and see if we can recreate the problem".

Don Sims

A photon and an ion went to the airport.

When they got there, the other passengers were surprised to see the ion handed his ticket without paying, and the photon get waved through security.

"What gives?" an irate passenger asked. "Why does the photon get to go through security?"

"Oh," said the man behind the desk. "We know he's travelling light."

"And the ion?"

"He was charged earlier."

Don Sims

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets.

On one planet many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position.

Upon close inspection they find this statue is alive, yet has no active bodily function that would show. It has lungs but they do not breath, legs that do not walk, and a brain whose neurons do not fire.

This baffles scientists for decades until one high-tempered scientist has had enough and screams out in front of it, “How could evolution create a creature that has lungs but doesn’t breath, legs but doesn't walk, and a brain whose neurons don't fire!”

The Statue then rises from its squatting position, thinks for a moment, and bellows “IT CANNOT.” Afterwards it returns to it’s squatting position.

The Scientist is ecstatic, and in a voice filled with realization he exclaims:

“EGADS! It Only Stands To Reason!”

Don Sims

All the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.

Hurricanes blew the others away.

Earthquakes shook things up pretty badly.

Flooding was a bit of a wash.

Blizzards almost buried the rest.

Meteors made deep impacts.

But, in the end, avalanches won by a landslide.

Don Sims

A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue.

After one year, the groups all reported to the investors.

The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse but it would take 200 years and $100 billion.

The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100 million per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time.

Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple.

The investors listened eagerly to this proposal.

The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions. First, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere."

Don Sims

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out yet again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

Don Sims

I tried to run a statistical experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume.

But the p-value was too low.

Don Sims

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike.

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly this young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off, and says 'Take what you want'. So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his colleague says, "I don't think you'd look good in a dress."

Don Sims

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions.

The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem.

With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques, and a few hours, the physicist gave the solved problem to the mathematician, who was duly impressed.

"All right, my turn. Here's the problem: you have a pot of water on the stove, at 60 F. You want to heat it up to 70 F. What do you do?"

The mathematician replied, "Oh, That's easy. You turn the stove on. Fourier's equations govern how heat transfers from the stove to the pot, and you can solve them numerically to find out how long it takes for the water to reach 70 F."

The physicist then asks, "All right, so what if the water's at 65 F?"

"Oh, that's even easier. You take the pot of water, stick it in the refrigerator until it cools down to 60 F, and then it simplifies to the previous problem!"

Don Sims

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

Don Sims

A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house. The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "May God help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool.

The engineer is shaken, but he pulls out a piece of paper and a pencil and starts calculating. How far the pool is away. The angle from the edge of the roof. The speed he will need and how much he will have to jump. He takes a couple of measured steps back, briefly looks at his calculations. He runs and jumps. He lands in the pool, surprised himself how he managed to get all things correct.

As he sees the engineer landing in the pool, the mathematician feels a wave of relief. Engineers don't understand mathematics half as well as he does!

So he too starts his calculations. The distances, angles and speeds necessary to succeed. Confident he takes his steps back, runs towards the edge and jumps.

He falls upwards. Dang those sign errors!

Don Sims

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on.

The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, "Sort it out yourselves."

Don Sims

A son asks his dad, "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replies, "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier."

The son then asks, "Um, ok so why does mommy get so mad at you sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like particles of particle physics..."

Don Sims

Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift.

Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light.

After a while the man asked:

Man: "So what's your name?"

Vin: "Cin Diesel."

Man: "Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"

Vin: "No it's Cin Diesel."

Man: "But why?"

Vin: "Because at the speed of light c=v."