Don Sims

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

Don Sims

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was.

"That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started working here, I asked a scientist the exact same question, and he said it was sixty-five million years old—and that was three years, two months and eighteen days ago."

Don Sims

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek. Albert was seeking, Newton and Pascal were hiding.

When Albert goes out to seek, he finds Isaac outside where he has drawn a meter square around himself.

Albert asks Newton "What kind of hiding place is that Newton?"

Newton replies "I am not Newton I am a Pascal."

Don Sims

We’re studying ‘light’ in science class and the teacher asks if she’s clear.

“No ma’am, you’re opaque.”

Don Sims

A guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back: "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks, "Are you sure? Is there anything I can do?"

The doctor says, "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

The guy is puzzled; "Will that help me live longer?"

The doctor shakes his head. "No, but it will be the longest 6 months in your life."

Don Sims

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

Don Sims

A group of dogs is called a pack. But what is a group of science dogs called?

A hypawthesis.

Don Sims

A professor is teaching computer science 101...

He gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.

"Yes," says the teacher.

"So it's like a phone? Wouldn't it get a busy signal trying to call itself?"

"No, not like a phone, it's more like-" The teacher starts to explain, but is cut off by the student.

"Is it like a role call? Like when you call your own name?"

"No," the teacher continues "It's not-"

But the student immediately interrupts.

"Like calling a bet? You bet on yourself?"

"No!" The teacher finally blurts. "Look, I can see you're confused. Why don't I tell you a joke my professor taught me..."

He clears his throat and begins.

"A professor is teaching Computer Science 101..."

Don Sims

Computer Science Professor: Where's your homework?

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework.

Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes...

Don Sims

After hours of research i still cant make puns about trees.

You'd think everything I've Redwood help.

Don Sims

I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes.

The first draft really blew me away.

Don Sims

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

Don Sims

A guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.

Don Sims

What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence?

An influenzer.

Don Sims

An ethnomedicine researcher is visiting a tribe deep in the Amazon and they present to him the leaves of a short native palm tree. They tell him that these leaves can be brewed into a tea that is a powerful laxative.

He says, "well, in extreme cases, do you ever have to resort to giving an enema?"

His guide responds, "Oh no no, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?!"

Don Sims

What do you call someone too stupid to justify the air he breathes?
An OxyMoron

Don Sims

Researchers for the Australian Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

They hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck" ...

Don Sims

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"

Don Sims

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload of the tiny birds, he accidentally struck a cougar in the road.

Unfortunately for him, it was (at the time) the state animal and harming one was a felony.

The poor guy was charged with transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.

Don Sims

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

Don Sims

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

Don Sims

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work when they got pulled over for speeding.

However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individually questioned. First, they were asked simply "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg, the driver, said "It was definitely somewhere between 0 and 180 miles per hour. I can tell you exactly where we were though."

Newton says "We were going 92 miles per hour when we were pulled over - and here's the differential equation that proves it."

Einstein says "I'm relatively sure we were stationary - the earth beneath us was moving at 92 miles per hour."

Galileo says "We were going 67,000 miles per hour around the sun."

Broglie says "Um... Uh. Wavelength?"

Planck says "I believe we were moving at around ten duodecillion quanta per hour, give or take."

And finally Ohm, no matter how many times he was asked, screamed "I won't go! I won't! You'll never take me alive!"

Don Sims

A guy asks his friend, "Have you ever used a telescope?"

"No, is it fun ?", answers the latter.

"Yeah you should look into it."

Don Sims

So you've all heard about the neutron that walks into a bar, but what about...

A neutrino walks into a Mexican Restaurant. He orders a taco with extra chili sauce.

The bartender comes up to his table with a taco and a gigantic bottle of super-hot chili sauce. He opens the taco, starts pouring sauce and asks: "So how much salsa do you want, amigo?"

The neutrino answers: "NO MASS! NO MASS!"

Abuelo

For awhile I believed whatever the atoms were telling me, but I finally stopped. Seems they make up everything.