Don Sims

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of
Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus
14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

You gotta love those UT women.
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Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting an d paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others
asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"
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Louisiana:

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the wo
rld comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why,
he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in
Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license plate
number."
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Georgia :

A Georgia State trooper
pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car
and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby
studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around
and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
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And my favorite: You can say what you want about the South, but you
never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!

Where to Live After Retirement


You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING
ME??!!


You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought



You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.



You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, MARY BETH, etc.


You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
OR You can live in Washington where..
You wear Polar Fleece year round and the Evergreen state plant should be Moss.

comp12

haha,
wow, these are pretty good!
I like the Louisiana and Mississippi ones!

Lancer31

As best I know, this is true, but I don't know where I got it!
Miss (Alabama, or Louisianna, I think it was) in an interview, said;
"When I see those poor little kids starving in Africa, I could just cry!
I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all the flies, and death, and stuff"!

Airhead

Funny stuff Don....
Thanks

skiman762

I lived in Washington for 26 years and you don't wear no polar fleece when the temp hit 112 in the shade
I thought the weather was one of the best things about the place besides the good paying jobs and hunting fishing rc flying water skiing snow skiing
camping snow mobiles all within 50 miles of my house in fact I had over 100 public access lakes within 50 miles of my house
Now if my wifes kids and grand kid would only move there I'd be gone in a skinny minute