Don Sims

"Hydrogen monoxide! Hydrogen monoxide! Hydrogen monoxide!", shouted Santa.

Asking a chemistry teacher to play Santa this year seemed to have backfired.

Don Sims

Some yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve superconductors here."

It leaves without resistance.

Don Sims

Einstein and Newton are in a bar.
Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies, "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein explains, "Imagine two people at opposite ends on top of a train moving very quickly. Even though the train is moving, if the person in the rear shines a light to the other in the front, they will measure the light to move at the usual constant speed of light. Likewise though, a person stationary beside the tracks will also measure the light to travel at the same speed, though from their stationary perspective the light traveled further because by the time the light got to the front person, they had moved a little bit more forward due to the velocity of the train. This means that the stationary person sees the light take longer to go from one person to the other."

He adds, "Additionally, if the person in the rear of the train measures the velocity of the light away from him to be one value, shouldn't the velocity they themselves possess not mean that the light would move faster from getting that extra push? But when we measure it, this is not the case!"

"If we allow ourselves to alter values like the passage of time for different perspectives, and even the masses of objects, we can create a set of physical laws which shows us how the people on the train can reconcile their views with the person beside it, based upon their relative velocities."

Newton replies, "What the blazes is a train?

Don Sims

From: General Manager

To: Departmental Heads

On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in this area-an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them.

In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the employees in the canteen and I will show them a film of it.

===========================================

From: Departmental Heads

To: Deputy Departmental Heads

By order of the General Manager on Friday at 5p.m., Halley's Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years.

===========================================

From: Deputy Departmental Heads

To: Superintendent

By the order of the General Manager, at 5 p.m. on Friday, the phenomenal Halley's comet will appear in the canteen. In case of rain in the area outside the building, the General Manager will give another order, something which occurs only once every 76 years.

===========================================

From: Superintendent

To: Foreman

On Friday at 5 p.m., the General Manager will appear in the canteen with Halley's Comet, something which happens every 76 years. But if it rains, the General Manager will order the comet into the area outside the building.

===========================================

From: Foreman

To: Team Leader

When it rains on Friday at 5 p.m., the phenomenal 76 year old Bill Halley, accompanied by his comets, will drive the General Manager through the area outside the building into the canteen.

Don Sims

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws.

Don Sims

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged...

Don Sims

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me !!!???

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common complaint, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Pretty Secretary 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

Don Sims

Two chemists were having a conversation.

At one point, the first chemist says, "I'm afraid I forgot a couple polyatomic ion formulas."

The second one replies, "Which ones?"

"Hydroxide and nitrate," says the first chemist.

"OH NO!" the second chemist exclaims.

Don Sims

A man plants 49 trees in his back yard

He tends to them every day and always takes the best care of them. They are his pride and joy! They all grow up pretty fast and very healthy as a result of this.

One day he wakes up and looks out his big window, as he does every morning, and notices that something is wrong. He hurries outside and finds that out of all his 49 beautiful trees, only 7 remain. Puzzled at this strange phenomenon, he examines the remaining trees to see if he can figure out what happened.

After hours of tireless examination of the bark and leaves of all the trees, he decides to see if the the problem might lie underground. He goes to his gardening shed for a trowel and starts digging at the base of a tree. Finally he finds the source of his problem.

And wouldn't you know it - square roots!

Don Sims

An electron walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What'll you have?"
The electron replies, "I'm not positive. How about something that excites me?"

Don Sims

When you say "poop," your mouth make the same motion that your bottom makes when you actually poop...... This is a rare phenomenon known as onomato-poo-a.

Don Sims

Scene: It's a fine, sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit:"My thesis."

Fox:"Hmm. What is it about?"

Rabbit:"Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

(incredulous pause)

Fox:"That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"

Rabbit:"Come with me, and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf:" What's that you are writing?"

Rabbit:" I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

(loud guffaws)

Wolf:" You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit:" No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing? "

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears."

Bear: "Well that's absurd!

Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

------------------------- THE END -------------------------

MORAL:
-- It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. -- It doesn't matter what you use for your data. -- What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

Don Sims

A rotund fashion designer found a time machine.

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient Rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping center.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts.

That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:

"Do you really want to purchase that many shirts???"

Don Sims

I'll never forget this solar eclipse, it'll forever be seared into my mind...

...and retinas. I really should've worn some glasses.

Don Sims

Kid: "You're always coming up with new rules and reasons!"

Mom: "Like what?"

Kid: " Like if I don't clean my room, a portal will open and I'll fall into another dimension and never be seen again."

Mom: "Well, that's what happened to your older brother."

Kid: "What older brother?"

Mom: "Exactly."

Don Sims

What’s the difference between cortisone and a small body typically orbiting between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter?

One’s a steroid, and the other is an asteroid.

Don Sims

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

Don Sims

I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

Don Sims

What do antimatter and MC Hammer have in common?

Can’t touch this!

Don Sims

What fish is made of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na

Don Sims

A hydroxide ion and a nitric oxide molecule walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "OH- NO".

Don Sims

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat.

One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

Don Sims

A crying man walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What's wrong?"

The man replies, "My brother was just sentenced to 5 years prison time. He was taking gold, removing all of the electrons and selling the gold ions for profit!"

The bartender replies "Dang, those are some serious charges!"

Don Sims

Despite their reputation, hornets don't have a mean bone in their bodies.

They have mean exoskeletons.

Don Sims

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).
Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such as carpenter ants being a macro ant and red ants being part of the micro ants). Ants within a group may come from different breeds, but they usually have similar features, with some minor exceptions. An example of something most micro ants share but larger ants do not is how these smaller ants actually have what scientists like to call “feet” at the end of their legs, as they’re feet have a similar composition to human feet, with toes and everything. The larger ants do not have this, as for them, it more-so resembles a birds talons, as they have sharper ends and claw like structures to stab into things more easily and keep ahold of them.
A macro ant’s diet consists of more dark green leaf, such as kale, so they can get the insane amounts of calcium they require so their exoskeleton can grow with their rapidly growing insides. A macro ant usually ingests about 30 mg of calcium a week, whereas a micro ant ingests merely a third of that in the same time. The Macro ants gain much more height because of this difference in calcium ingestion. Albeit, the Macro ants are taller, they have significant disadvantage in the race for food. Macro ants must find their calcium in leaves and legumes, as they cannot drink milk. Their Micro counterparts, on the other hand, seemingly have no problem ingesting the liquid. This discovery was made when scientists tried to feed Macro ants milk so they could get their weekly needed amount of calcium, but were surprised to find the Macro ants getting sick shortly after drinking the white liquid.

Scientists have deduced that this is difference in the groups of ants is simply because they “Lack-toes-in-taller-ants”.