Don Sims

History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro Volta: "I'm electrified at the prospect."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Andre-Marie Ampere: "I'm worried I'm not current enough."

John James Audubon: "I'll have to wing it."

Thomas Edison: "It will be illuminating."

Albert Einstein: "It will be relatively easy to attend."

Archimedes: "I'm buoyant at the thought."

Samuel Morse: "I'll be there on the dot. I'd tell you about other parties I've been to, but I must dash."

Carl Friedrich Gauss: "I'm very popular at parties because of my magnetism."

Heinrich Hertz: "I plan to attend parties with greater frequency in the future."

James Watt: "It will be a good way to let off steam."

As for Sigmund Freud: he just couldn't help but give it the slip!

Don Sims

Proton and neutron were chilling in the nucleus one day, then proton asks neutron: “Why you only hangout with me in here instead of electron?

Neutron replies: “He was too negative to begin with.”

Don Sims

Did you hear about that new physics institute?

It’s so big, there is a dedicated infrared-light district!

Don Sims

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload of the tiny birds, he accidentally struck a cougar in the road.

Unfortunately for him, it was (at the time) the state animal and harming one was a felony.

The poor guy was charged with transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.

Don Sims

As a practical joke I arranged a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.

He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!

Don Sims

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

Don Sims

A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juiced him up. I bet on first with odds set at 10 to 1 - drink up boys!". The psychologist responds:

"Not bad at all, but I insist the drinks are on me tonight. Confederate Faroe was pegged for third, but a little birdie told me that the jockey is adopted and didn't know. Well, he knows now. I bet on last with odds set at 100 to 1!"

Meanwhile the mathematician is slumped over the bar staring into an empty shot glass. The other two look at him with concern. He sits up and says:

"I don't know where I went wrong. I began as I always do, assuming the horses are spheres moving on an infinite plane..."

Don Sims

You hear about the love struck super magnets?

Whenever they met face to face, they just couldn't seem to connect, however the moment one turned to walk away, they were nearly inseparable.

Don Sims

What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?

Magnets

Don Sims

Teacher : “There are two liquids, water and butane. Can someone please give me a quantity for them?”

Student at the front: “A ton.”

Teacher: “Ok then which is heavier: the ton of water or the ton of butane?”

The teacher asked each student the same question and each of them answered that they were the same except one student in the back.

Teacher: "Why don't you think they weigh the same?"

Student at the back: "Because butane is a lighter fluid.“

Don Sims

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off.
But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Don Sims

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.

"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."

Don Sims

Computer idiots

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

Don Sims

A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores in the area were closed, as it was a holiday, and the lab was in a rather remote location. “Find me a suitable placebo in 20 minutes or you’re FIRED!”

The lab assistant immediately started searching online. Turns out, the only store that was open and nearby was a novelty shop, that sold all sorts of prank gadgets - hand buzzers, finger traps, that sort of thing. It was a long shot, but the assistant was running out of time, and decided to try it. Sure enough, the store sold fake mints, which looked just like Altoids, but we’re infused with all sorts of disgusting and repulsive flavors - vomit, garbage juice, wet dog - real nasty stuff. The lab assistant thought, “Well, no one is really supposed to taste the pills anyway, we can simply tell the participants that the drug is extremely bitter, so they should swallow quickly with water to avoid tasting it.” The assistant bought up the entire store’s supply.

The plan worked like a charm; none of the participants had any clue which pill was the drug and which was the placebo. But shockingly, the placebo consistently produced a more calming effect than the drug they were actually testing! The lead researcher was confounded, as every subsequent test with these novelty mints yielded the same result.

Turns out, the real calm is always in the joke mints.

Don Sims

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."

So the student later takes a quantum mechanics course and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."

Don Sims

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoretically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into existence next to me and would want to accept my gift and be my girlfriend."

S: "But... plenty of single women come here. Why don't you offer one of them an ice cream and maybe one of them will be your girlfriend?"

P: "Yeah, but what are the odds to that?"

Don Sims

My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff.

They said it was weapons of math instruction.

Don Sims

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a politician. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The politician replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Don Sims

If you don't like trigonometry,

then try it out with bigonometry

A quatrogonometry might be intelectually too demanding ...

Don Sims

The telephone at the Antarctic research station is ringing.

A male voice on the other end of the line:

"Are there five-foot penguins?"

"No."

"NUTS! Then I just ran over a nun..."

Don Sims

A scientist is looking to conduct an experiment using dolphins.

He goes to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any dolphins.

The clerk responds, “We don’t have any dolphins, but would a whale work?”

The scientist responds, “No thank you, that defeats the porpoise.”

Don Sims

In an parallel universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Did you believe what the atoms had to say?

The other cell says "No, they pretty much make up everything!"

Don Sims

What's the difference Between Elon Musk and a lemur?

Elon made an electric car. Lemurs Madagascar...

Don Sims

An astronaut is flying in his space shuttle, and after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up.

Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is.

The cashier respond with ,“If you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.”

The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves.

Once at the moon, he walks inside and sits down. The bartender asks him what he would like.

“Just a beer. Also, why is this place called The Keyboard?”

The bartender says, “Because it’s a space bar!”

Don Sims

What sound does a horse make while walking?
*Clop, clop.*

What sound does a horse make while walking uphill?
*Clop, clop* multiplied by the cosine of the slope angle.