Don Sims

How did the professor of electrical engineering solve a complicated problem?

He used inductive reasoning!

Don Sims

At the beginning of time two schools were created.
One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed gravitation, strong attraction, weak attraction, and electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatter High created annihilation, baryogenisis, and nuclear decay.

But they hit a wall: even after all their work, the universe was still an empty expanse of nothingness.

The two administrations met to discuss the issue, and after a lengthy process decided that they had to initiate one final fundamental event- the Big Bang- and that they would have to sacrifice one of their own to be the source of particles and energy.

Nobody volunteered, so it was decided by vote that it had to be one of the two head administrators. The head of Antimatter High stood and said "I'm sorry, but it absolutely cannot be me."

The head of the other school stood and said "Must it really be me?"

"I'm sorry, " he replied, "it's nothing personal. It's the principal of the matter."

Don Sims

The optimist sees the glass half full.

The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

The engineer sees a glass two times too large.

Wildflyer

That's when the biker at the bar, orders another one.

Don Sims

What do you call quanta of electromagnetic radiation that don't get along?

Foe-tons

Don Sims

Yo mama so fat,

that a recursive algorithm to calculate her mass suffers from a stack overflow error before completion.

Don Sims

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Pokemon

Don Sims

A neutrino walks into a Mexican restaurant. It orders a taco with extra chili sauce. The waiter comes to the table with a taco and a gigantic bottle of super-hot chili sauce. He opens the taco, starts pouring sauce, and asks, "So how much salsa do you want, amigo?"

The neutrino answers, "No Mass! No Mass!"

Don Sims

Why can't the navy participate in the Space Force?

Gamma radiation kills seamen.

Don Sims

"I like you, in a plutonic way."

"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"

"No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying."

Don Sims

Wanna hear a joke about radioactive isotopes?

Sorry, it just decayed.

Don Sims

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, it was at Walmart."

Don Sims

Love holds the universe together.

Just kidding. It's dark matter.

Don Sims

Today, while googling something about insects...

I found out that the only continent lacking indigenous ants is ANTARCTICA.

Makes no sense at all...

Don Sims

Optical engineers are often called "narrow-focused" and "myopic".

But, when viewed through the right lens, we represent a diverse spectrum of light-hearted people.

Don Sims

What is the Heineken Uncertainty Principle?

"You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."

Don Sims

History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro Volta: "I'm electrified at the prospect."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Andre-Marie Ampere: "I'm worried I'm not current enough."

John James Audubon: "I'll have to wing it."

Thomas Edison: "It will be illuminating."

Albert Einstein: "It will be relatively easy to attend."

Archimedes: "I'm buoyant at the thought."

Samuel Morse: "I'll be there on the dot. I'd tell you about other parties I've been to, but I must dash."

Carl Friedrich Gauss: "I'm very popular at parties because of my magnetism."

Heinrich Hertz: "I plan to attend parties with greater frequency in the future."

James Watt: "It will be a good way to let off steam."

As for Sigmund Freud: he just couldn't help but give it the slip!

Don Sims

Einstein, Newton and Darwin are having a small argument.

Newton, a bit annoyed, says "Guys, I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation".

Einstein replies, "I think I do relatively understand it."

To which Darwin says, "Please don't let this evolve into a big fight, alright?"

Don Sims

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Don Sims

Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me

I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards

Don Sims

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading.
The ones who learn by observation.

And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

Don Sims

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happened to this man to instill in him such an absolute dislike of viruses? All this goes through his mind in a matter of seconds.

The virus senses an awkward silence about to fall. Purely on instinct, he responds with an attempt at humor, and says, "Well, you're not a very good host."

Don Sims

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

Don Sims

The orthopedic surgeon Betty worked for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items. Betty sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, his bony arm across the back of her seat. She hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, and she looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The driver leaned out his window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

Don Sims

Joe was dropping off some construction debris at the local transfer station, when the Payloader driver got out and kicked a pile of refuse he had just moved.
Out popped the hand and forearm of a human skeleton.
Fortunately it a a plastic model.
the Operator said he was glad it wasn't real because he didn't need the paperwork involved...