One Liners
 

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? "Stay out of those places!"

What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"

I went into a store to buy some books about turtles. "Hardbacks?" asked the shopkeeper."Yes," I replied. "And they have little heads, too."

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?

How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.

I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.

Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in? He went to see Closed for the Winter.

What did the evil chicken lay? Devilled eggs.

Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!

Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the coliege.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm.

My wife asked me if I was paying attention to her. What a strange way to start a conversation.

Did you hear about the guy that was attacked with sandpaper? They only wanted to rough him up.

Respect people that wear glasses. They paid good money to see you.

Did you know that Santa Claus is both an arborist and a geologist?

He’s gonna find out what’s knotty or gneiss.

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.

If you see me talking to myself, please don't interrupt. We're having a staff meeting.

I really like these Bluetooth earbuds.
I don't have a cell phone, but I don't look so stupid when I talk to myself.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljnm,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy

I just handed in my too weak notice.

How does an electrician make it home faster? He takes the path of least resistance.

What is an electricians least favorite item of clothing? Shorts

Why did the electrician's coffee taste so awful? Bad grounds

What was the electrician's opinion about using white wires? Neutral

Did the electrician install a new panel? No, he refused the job

What is the electrician's favorite reading material? Current affairs.

What is the Electrician's favorite music album? AC/DC Live

Did you hear the one about the electrician who also did stand-up? He was on the comedy circuit.

Scientific studies show that women who are overweight live significantly longer than the men who mention it.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

Most people are shocked when they realize how bad I am at wiring.

"We will continue to have daily meetings until we figure out why no work is getting done."
"Employees are to refrain from using the suggestion box. The handle is broken and it won't flush."

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.

Treat Mom to a Margarita this Mothers Day. Remember, you're the reason she drinks!

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’

My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

I asked my brother if there was any food left and he said "Only if you can time travel." So I went back four seconds.